Friday, 28 December 2012

28 Weeks!

I made it to the third trimester!  :)
I am 28 weeks, 1 day today. 
Overall, I feel great, although my "symptoms" are definitely increasing in severity / annoyance level as I get further along.  I have a lot of heartburn, nasal congestion like you wouldn't believe (yup, this is normal), and back pain when I stand too long.  My energy levels are decreasing.  I also have pain in the front of my belly, by my belly button.  My appendix ruptured when I was a teenager, and so I have a very large scar that spans my entire midsection (vertically).  Apparently, it is causing my stomach muscles to separate as my belly grows.  Awesome, right?  It hurts, a lot. 
Seriously though, symptoms aside, I am so, so, so amazingly happy right now!  I can't believe that Bug and I have made it this far. I feel very blessed, and am extremely grateful for every day that he stays in there, moving about and growing inside me.  I am still reeling from the fact that this might end up being a normal pregnancy.  I was always hopeful, but that hope was often overshadowed by fear.  It is so amazing to be able to just enjoy being pregnant, like everyone else.  :)
It is good that most of my activity restrictions have now been lifted, as life has become very busy as of late! We are moving in just over a week, as we need an extra bedroom to accommodate the little man.  I have been packing very slowly, doing a few boxes a day.  To be honest, it has been hard - my energy levels have plummeted, so even doing a little bit a day has been exhausting.  My blood pressure is apparently very low right now, so that might have something to do with that as well.  Anyway, I am taking it as easy as I can in the circumstances, and am trying to be very careful to not overdo it.  I obviously won't have any part in the actual move. 
I am so excited to start decorating Bug's nursery. :)  It is going to be where the master should be, so it will be huge, with a private bath and walk-in closet.  I don't even know what to do with all of that space! I have been holding off on buying all but a few big ticket items until we are in the new place, but I have many of them picked out.  I am in love with this monkey rug from Pottery Barn:

We have also decided on this rocker and ottoman in chocolate brown, also from Pottery Barn:

The rocker converts to a regular chair, which will enable us to move it into our living space after it has served its purpose in the nursery.  Knowing this makes the price a bit easier to swallow. 
We have also purchased the crib, and the stroller (Uppababy Cruz).  Still though, there is so much left to do! I can't believe that I am due in less than three months.  And to think, we will have to unpack and set up our new home in the interim, as well as make sure that we are ready for Bug's arrival.  Just the thought makes me tired.  :)
On that note, I am off to do some more packing!  With a huge smile on my face. :)

Saturday, 8 December 2012

Yup, Normal! And Baby Shoes. :)

So my OB called me at work yesterday.  She actually sounded pretty excited.  She said that she had just received my ultrasound report from Tuesday, and wanted me to know right away that my ultrasound was indeed 100% normal!  My placenta no longer looks abnormally thick, and there is no hematoma.  Samuel is measuring in the 68th percentile, and weighs approximately 800 grams (that's about 1.76 lbs).

For the first time in this entire pregnancy, there actually doesn't seem to be anything wrong or unusual.  I am normal. Sam is normal. :)

I am so freaking happy!!!

I am still spotting everyday, and that sucks.  Given our history, it is hard not to worry, at least a little bit.  My OB swears though that there is no explanation for the bleeding, so it must be my cervix.  I won't let her do a cervical exam to check (she doesn't recommend it anyway), so I will just have to take it on faith that she is right.  Some women do spot through their entire pregnancy - I guess I may be one of the few that do so.  Lucky me.

But, back to being super happy!!!  :)

Between this amazing news and reaching viability, I have garnered enough confidence to start doing some shopping.  My first purchase was an adorable pair of shoes.  Not practical, since he won't need shoes at that point, but they are just so tiny and precious, I couldn't resist:

I've also bought a few sleepers, and an adorable little pair of (equally impractical) jeans.
I am in the process of setting up a registry, which to be honest is much more overwhelming and difficult than I thought it would be.  There are so many options, and so many different opinions and reviews on what is necessary, what is a waste of money or space, what works, and even what is or is not safe.  I am getting through it slowly though, mostly to satisfy my mother in law. 
Oh, and don't even get me started on how challenging it was to choose the right stroller!  I *think* I've decided on the Uppababy Cruz.  Still mulling it around a bit before I make the purchase though.
To be clear, I am definitely not complaining!  I feel so, so blessed to still be carrying my little boy inside me right now.  I honestly didn't think that I would make it past the first trimester, let alone to viability, and an actual diagnosis of "normal."  When I think about it, I can't stop smiling. :)

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

24 Weeks, 5 Days - Normal??

I had another ultrasound today, with the high risk doctor.  I didn't actually get to see the doctor today, but did luck out with two very chatty ultrasound techs.  Well, I think one was a medical resident, which is probably why the other was so verbal about what she saw.  Anyway, the end result was definitely to my benefit!  This is all subject to what my actual OB has to say when I see her late next week, but for now...
...everything looks normal! 
The tech and resident agreed that my placenta wasn't really thick, it just looked that way because of how it was positioned (something about it being both fundal and left lateral).  The tech said "it might be a little thick", but in her (admittedly non-doctor) view, it was nothing to worry about.
There was no hematoma.
I am still spotting...that has been ongoing for just over 20 weeks now. It is very, very light.  My OB believes that it is my cervix. Maybe she is right.
Bug still looks perfect by the way, and is measuring in the 60th percentile.  Here he is:

Isn't he beautiful? :)
I am so, so incredibly happy.  I know that the tech and resident aren't doctors, and that everything they said is subject to what my doctor has to say when I see her.  But for now, I am not going to question the good news I received today.  I have spent enough time being scared or sad this pregnancy - I'm due for some happy and excited.  And I'm taking it.  :)


Thursday, 29 November 2012


Today is V-Day!!!!

I have been waiting for this day for months. 
As of today, the medical profession officially cares about Bug, and will try to save him if things go wrong.  He is also now capable of surviving outside the womb if he is delivered early.
I know that I am not out of the woods yet, but still, to have reached this milestone is SUCH a huge relief! :)

Saturday, 10 November 2012

High Risk Consult

I was referred to a high risk specialist this week for a consult.  Finally!  I had been waitng for that referral for quite a while.  I am in Canada, so I cannot just book an appointment with a peri - I had to wait until my OB felt that it was justified.  She wanted to wait until 20 weeks.  This, by the way, is one of my biggest pet peeves ever - that so many doctors do not seem to take a pregnancy or any possible complications in a pregnancy seriously until you hit that magical 20 week mark.  Even then, most are not willing to intervene or try to save a pregnancy until viability (24 weeks).  It drives me nuts.  I mean, it seems to me that the fact that the baby will not make it if he is born that early should be all the more reason to try to prevent early delivery.  Anyway, moving on...

I saw the high risk doctor yesterday.  There is both good news, and confusing-potentially-concerning news.

The good news is, the hematoma is gone.  Yay, right?!  

But wait a why am I still bleeding then?  And why do I still have these cramps everyday?  

I saw the high risk doctor for all of thirty seconds after the ultrasound.  He told me the good news, and then said, "But, your placenta is unusual."  What does that mean, I asked?  "It is unusually thick.  That could be why you are still bleeding."  Again I asked, what does that mean?  He then said I should speak to my OB.  Great.  Thanks.

I called my OB's office and explained what happened, and asked to make an appointment.  My OB called me back personally within 10 minutes.  She was able to access the ultrasound report, and explained that she was "not concerned."  The baby is fine, the hematoma is gone.  My placenta was normal on all other ultrasounds.  She made it sound as if its thickness is just on the high end of normal.  She will give me another ultrasound, but said that I am now "low risk".  

So why am I still bleeding??????

According to my OB, it might just be my cervix.

So I am left with two different opinions from two different doctors.  One who I trust very much, but who is not herself a specialist, and who has not yet read the specialist's report.  Another who is a specialist, but who gave me very little in the way of meaningful interpretation, or any indication of a prognosis.

So, being the person I am, I could not stop myself from googling,  BIG mistake.  Apparently, a thick placenta is a sign of many scary things, most notably placenta abruption.  The exact thing I have been worried about for months.  Bleeding is of course also a sign of that, and so are these cramps.  The hematoma itself could have been caused by it.  Obviously not a full abruption, but perhaps a partial one.  Apparently, they are not easy to see on ultrasounds unless there is a large retroplacental hemorrhage.  Otherwise, it may present only as an unusually thick placenta.  Great.

I have another appointment with my OB in a few weeks, at which point she should actually have the high risk doctor's report (which will presumably contain an explanation for why he thinks the thick placenta was concerning, and that he suspects that it might be the cause of the bleeding).  I will have another ultrasound at that point, and we will go from there.  In the meantime, I am going to try to listen to my OB on this one, and not worry too much or freak out (I swear).  Bug is still with me, and doing great.  I feel him everyday now.  We both love him so much already.  

Saturday, 3 November 2012

Liebster Blog Award

I’ve been nominated for a Liebster Blog Award by Olivia at Two Steps Forward, One Step Back! The award is intended for up-and-coming bloggers who have less than 200 followers. Once nominated, you have to answer 11 questions about yourself from the person who nominated you, and then nominate a few of your fellow bloggers and pose your own set of questions to them. It’s all about networking for smaller blogs.
Here are my responses to Olivia's questions:
1.  Are you a left brain or right brain kind of person? So more creative or more logical?  I would definitely charactize myself as being more creative than logical by nature. However, my profession is one which is based on logic, so it has become a much larger part of my thought process and personality as a result.
2.  McDonalds or Burger King? McDonalds burgers, Burger King fries!
3.  What is a peculiar trait about your significant other?  He is a little obsessed with being prepared for emergencies and disasters. He spent months driving all over the city finding supplies for our emergency "grab bags" - ie. bags which we grab as we run out the door if there is an emergency or disaster. And we have a LOT of canned soup, bottled water, protein bars, etc. Now he just has to figure out how we will be mobile on foot with three cats and a (soon-to-be) baby. :)
4.  What is your favorite movie and why?  I have to admit that it is probably Dirty Dancing. No reason other than that it is uplifting and fun to watch, even over and over again.
5.  Do you like to read the news or the entertainment section? I am definitely a news kind of girl. I read the paper online everyday while I eat lunch, and watch the news most evenings as well.
6.  If there were no limitations (like money, time, etc.) what would you love to do? If there really were no limitations and funding were not an issue, I'd love to run a large non-profit animal rescue centre and sanctuary.
7.  Your top career choice again if you could do anything? Assuming that there ARE limits and funding issues for this question, I am honestly doing what I want to do now. I am a lawyer working in-house for a great company whose mission or reason for being is one that I believe in. I love my job.
8.  Favorite place in the world? Cinque Terre (on the Italian Coast). Think Amalfi Coast, but less touristy and crowded.
9.  Lipstick or chapstick? Lip gloss. I am addicted and have been for years. I have at least 7-10 tubes/pots of gloss on the go at any time, spread out between different purses, and different places around home. It drives my husband nuts!
10.  Yogurt or Ice cream? Ice cream for sure! The kind with little pieces of chocolate bar in it....mmmmm. :)
11.  Give an unusual fact about yourself...  I am a huge animal lover, and volunteer a lot of my time with feral cat rescue groups, feeding homeless animals and assisting with trap-neuter-return efforts. That's not exactly unusual I guess, but it's all I could come up with. :)
And now for my list of nominees!
1.  Amanda at Waiting for Watermelon;
3.  Jess at Faithfully;
4.  Megan at One Emerald;
5.  Kelly at Any Way but Scrambled;
6.  Heather at A Little Hope in my Pocket;
8.  Emily at the5parkers.
These are all women whose blogs I read regularly, and whose stories are both moving and inspiring.  I encourage you to head over and check out their blogs, as well as that of Olivia at Two Steps Forward, One Step Back
And here are my questions:
1.  Who is your hero, and why?
2.  If you won the lottery, what is the first or most important thing that you would spend  the money on?
3.  Do you believe in soul mates?
4.  What is your favourite food?
5.  If there were no limitations and money were not an issue, what would you most want to do with your  life?
6.  If you could go back in time  and tell our teenage self one thing, what  would it be?
7.  If you were a character on a TV show, which one would you be?
8.  Name one thing you are most proud of?
9.  What is your favorite charity or cause?
10. What are three words that describe you best?
11. When was the last time you did something for the first time, and  what was it?
Have fun if you choose to participate ladies, and thank you again Olivia!

Thursday, 25 October 2012

19 Weeks & Anatomy Scan

I am 19 weeks pregnant today - I can't believe I am almost halfway there!  

I had my anatomy scan this week, and the great news is that Bug is looking perfectly perfect.  :) He is still measuring days ahead, and has all his fingers and toes.  And when I say "he", I now actually mean "he", as in we now know that he is actually a boy! To say that my husband is elated is an understatement.  I am thrilled as well, but I would have been equally excited had Bug been a girl - I had no preference.  But now that I know that I am expecting a little man, I am really becoming excited about that fact.  :). 

Without further ado, here is our little boy at 19 weeks:

And here are his toes, because they are so cute:

There is absolutely no indication that he is anything but healthy, and growing at an appropriate rate.  My doctor has therefore now given me a 98% chance of having a successful pregnancy! In her words, she would be "shocked" if I lose him.  :). Wow, right?  

Now you may be wondering, what about the hematoma?  Well, I actually don't have an answer for you.  When the scan was done I asked the tech if she measured it.  Her response was to say "well, that should have resolved by now." I know the techs aren't supposed to give us details about the results, so I asked her if she had seen it, would she have measured it? Her response - "oh yes, absolutely!"  So.... I leave the hospital, and open the report (which is in a sealed envelope and intended for my doctor, but whatever, she knows I do it).  No reference to the hematoma at all! 

So now I wonder, did she actually look for it and not find it? Or did she not see it because she was not looking for it?  

I told my doctor what happened, and she agrees that it is not definitive enough.  She suspects that it is probably still there, and wants me to continue acting as if it is.  I see her again in two weeks.  Notwithstanding that she suspects that the hematoma is still there, she would not order another ultrasound. I think she wants me to stop worrying so much, and focus on the fact that the baby is doing so well. I get that, but I really feel like I NEED to know what's going on in there!  Our compromise was to revisit the issue at our next appointment.

So, I am left with no information regarding the damned thing.  I am spotting again, and still cramping, so I am pretty sure it must still be lurking in there somewhere.  Regardless though, I do have the most important information - that Bug is healthy and strong, and that there continues to be no evidence whatsoever that the hematoma is interfering with the pregnancy or his growth. When you think about it, that is all that really matters.

So, I will try to take my doctor's advice. I mean really, 98% odds are pretty good, right? That's pretty close to what everyone else has at this point I think.

Tomorrow, I start shopping! :)

Sunday, 21 October 2012

First Real Kick! :)

After weeks of feeling "flutters" and little bubbles and wondering whether I was actually feeling Bug, I am pretty sure that I felt an actual kick last night! :) I was lying in bed praying (for Bug, of course), and felt one of those little "I think something just moved inside me but I'm not positive" feelings.  I asked out loud, "Is that you, Bug?", and smiled.  I then immediately felt a firm "pop" against the inside of my stomach, right where I had felt the maybe-movement a moment before.  It felt exactly like something little kicked me from the inside.  It was such an amazing feeling! I ran out of the room to tell my husband, I was so excited! We had just been talking about how I was getting a bit nervous about the movement issue when we were out for (our wedding anniversary) dinner earlier that night.  He was ecstatic.  We said goodnight, and as I was walking away he whispered, "goodnight, Bug".  I teared up.  That was the first time he has ever spoken to the baby, and the first time he used my pet name for him/her.  Overall, it was a great night. I am still on cloud nine about it today.  :). I can't wait until the movement becomes consistent, and when my husband can feel him/her move as well.  

Sunday, 14 October 2012

17 1/2 Weeks - The SCH is Smaller

The SCH is finally shrinking again!  It was 2.4 x 2.5 x 0.4 cm as of last Tuesday.  While the numbers don't seem much lower, if you calculate the volume, it is actually 75% smaller than it was two weeks earlier! :) I am scared to allow myself to get too excited - after all, the last time it shrunk this much, I had a massive hemorrhage a week later.  I am obviously praying that that does not happen again, and that this actually is a sign that the damned thing is finally going away!

I don't know much about how Bug is doing, except that he is still there, with a very strong heartbeat (160).  The ultrasound tech refused to even measure his crown-rump-length because my OB didn't specifically write it down on her requisition.  I tried to explain that tracking the baby's growth is an important part of tracking the hematoma (which WAS on the requisition), since knowing whether the baby's growth is being affected provides a strong indication of whether the hematoma is causing problems with the placenta (which it is right beside).  She wouldn't budge.  So now, while I am trying to tell myself that there is no reason to think that Bug is doing anything other than growing like a weed as he has been, I can't help but wonder and worry.  Because you know, I needed something else to worry about with this pregnancy!  :S

Overall though, I am very happy, and increasingly optimistic.  I haven't had any real bleeding in weeks, and am barely spotting at this point.  My cramps did ease up for a while, but have gotten a bit more persistent these past few days.  They did this right before the hematoma became tiny last time though, so maybe it is caused by the hematoma breaking up and resolving?  A girl can always hope.  :)

I am definitely showing now, it is kind of crazy actually.  We have had no choice but to start coming out, which has been both exciting and terrifying.  Our families are ecstatic. :). We have been pretty tight-lipped about the complications, and have only told people about the issue on an ad-needed basis (for example, when I need to explain my absence at a wedding).

I have to say though that I am actually increasingly scared too, despite the fact that the hematoma seems to (hopefully, maybe) be resolving.  I am falling more in love with this little baby every single day! I talk to him/her on a daily basis.  I think I can feel movement sometimes, though it's hard to tell for sure.  Sometimes it's a fluttery feeling, sometimes I feel like something little rolled over inside me (very strange feeling!), and just yesterday I felt a "pop" against the inside of my belly.  Could be in my head - who knows.  But regardless, it is making me feel that much more bonded with this little creature.  I know that at this point, he can hear my voice, and will recognize it when he is born.  How amazing is that?  He is sucking his thumb.  I have seen him on ultrasound screens 9 or 10 times now, and hear his heartbeat every few days.  How can I possibly NOT be absolutely in love with this child, this little human who is growing inside me?  I have had losses before, but this one will be different.  I can't even fathom how I will make it through losing him.  It terrifies me so much that I can't let myself think about it.

I will try to focus on the good news, and not worry about what might happen tomorrow.  Today I am pregnant, and I love my Bug.  That is all I need to know.

Saturday, 29 September 2012

Snap, Crackle....

Pop! :)

At 15 weeks, I think I actually "popped", rather than just being bloated and looking chubby.  :). My stomach is really hard, and grew overnight (it seemed to, anyway).  Absolutely nothing fits me anymore, and random people are commenting (seriously, who does that?).  

So, I guess the jig is up, so to speak.  We had been hiding the pregnancy longer than we would have otherwise, because of the hematoma.  At this point though, I'm not sure we have any choice other than to admit to the obvious, at least when asked.  We will be seeing my husband's parents for (Canadian) Thanksgiving next weekend, and there is just no way they won't call us on it anyway, especially when I decline a drink (which I pretty much never do).  

I'm kind of excited thinking about it, as I have dreamt about telling people I am pregnant for more than a year.  Still though, I think this will induce more anxiety than anything else.  We will not be telling everyone about the complications, because I don't think it is everyone's business, and I just can't handle constantly fielding questions about it and the status of my uterus.  So, telling people will for the most part mean that I will have to act nothing but excited and happy about the whole thing, which is hard when I am so terrified.  I think we will just start with parents, and see how we feel....and then go from there.  

As for Bug, he is still doing famously, and measuring ahead as usual! Here he is at 14 weeks, 5 days:

My OB has said that based on what she has seen so far, there is nothing to suggest that he is being affected by the hematoma at all.  We still can't tell whether the placenta is affected (ie. torn, lifting), so I remain anxious.

Apparently, the further along we get, the better our chances are.  As of now, my OB says that it is more likely than not that the pregnancy will continue, and everything will be fine.   I can only pray that she is right.
 The hematoma measured 3 7 x 3.1 x 0.9 cm on Tuesday.  That seems bigger to me, but supposedly the actual volume has decreased slightly.  The dimensions are changing though, so who knows what it is doing.  I have  not been bleeding much since taking a week off, so that is at least encouraging.

Anyway, I am going to try to embrace this pregnancy now, and not focus so much on the hematoma, and the fear.  We'll see how that goes.  Next ultrasound is on October 9. 

Wednesday, 19 September 2012

Hello Second Trimester

I will be 14 weeks pregnant tomorrow.  I can't believe that I've actually made it to the second trimester.  This is not, of course, how I imagined it.  By now, we should be telling our families and friends that we are expecting, and basking in the excitement and relief that should accompany having passed the magical 12 week mark.  We should be making plans for the future, including where we will live when Bug arrives, and starting to think about names.  I should be starting to think about strollers and cribs, and how I will decorate the nursery.

We are not doing any of these things.

We are in a holding pattern.  Because the situation is still so precarious, we have not told anyone about the baby.  Our families do not even know (well, with the exception of my mother).  We do not discuss names, or make plans of any kind. I can't even say whether I will be able to leave the house any time soon.  We move from day to day, ultrasound to ultrasound, with our hearts in our throats.

I wish that for once, I could be like so many other pregnant women, for whom the miracle of giving life seems to come so easily.  I wish my body would just WORK the way it is supposed to.  

Clearly, my path to starting a family will not be so easy.  That does not mean though that I will not eventually get there, that I will not hold my baby in my arms someday.  Hopefully, that baby will be Bug, and "someday" will be March 2013.

Sunday, 16 September 2012

An Experiment

My symptoms really began to pick up last week following my ultrasound on Tuesday.  I started actually bleeding, whereas I had only really spotted prior to that point.  Well, with the exception of the massive hemorrhaging incident of course.  Anyway, the blood last week was mostly still brownish, but it seemed to have a reddish tinge, which totally freaked me out.  My cramps also became stronger.  

As my symptoms picked up, so too did my fear.  Also, while I do trust my doctor, I can't help but notice that my symptoms do seem to be more pronounced when I am moving around.  So, while she swears left right and centre that full-on bed rest will not help, I am still skeptical.  

My solution (hopefully)?  Vacation time.  My husband and I had a trip tentatively planned for late October - we were going to go south for a week (or maybe to Greece, but that was less likely).  I was convinced that a week away would help us heal if the worst happens.  It probably would have.  But, the time is much better spent trying to PREVENT the worst from happening in the first place.  So, with my employer's blessing, I moved the vacation time up last minute.  I have been off since Friday, and do not go back to work until the 24th. 

 While on "vacation", I will be giving bed rest a shot.  My hope is that whatever is torn or bleeding inside of me will be given some time to heal.  I am actually somewhat optimistic in this regard.  In fact, after only two days, there is a very stark difference in symptoms.  My bleeding has stopped - I am back to extremely light brown spotting (I have had this almost daily for almost 8 weeks).  Cramps are still there, but maybe after a few days, they will ease up too.

I am already bored out of my skull!  :). I have been doing partial bed rest for weeks (ie. in bed at all times when not at desk job), so it is already pretty old.  I am running out of ways to occupy myself.  It  goes without saying that it will be worth it though, if it helps.  I would do a LOT more than bed rest to protect this baby.

I will probably just end up working remotely all week.  I really do love my job, and it is certainly more interesting than staring at the walls. :)

Anyway, that is my update.  I am doing everything I can to save this baby.  Hopefully, it will be enough.

Tuesday, 11 September 2012


I realize that I left the blog on a low note and then didn't update for a while - sorry for that.  I've been pretty down about this whole thing lately, and just haven't felt able to write about it.  The fear really is quite paralyzing.  Because of how large my hematoma is and the fact that I am still bleeding off and on, the situation is very precarious.  I basically move from one day to the next, wondering whether I will still be pregnant by nightfall.  I am on partial bed rest, which compounds the problem from an emotional perspective in that I spend most of my time outside of work lying around worrying about this, or googling, which is rarely a good idea. The bed rest is important though, as my experience in the past two weeks has clearly borne out that I bleed more (and red) when I move around too much, or stand for any length of time.  Obviously, it is aggravating whatever it is that is torn or bleeding in there.  So, I try not to move.  Instead, I just lie here and think, and wonder, and worry.  

I suppose I should offer an actual update, rather than just whining.  :). Since my last post, my hematoma has shrunk to 3.5 x 2.2 x 1.2 cm (last Tuesday), and then grown again slightly by this morning, to 2.9 x 2.6 x 1.5 cm.  It is probably bigger now, as I had another red-ish bleed this afternoon (which means new blood, not just the hematoma draining out).  But still, it is much smaller than it was after the big hemorrhage, and for that I am grateful.

We also learned today that the hematoma is inferior to (ie. below) the placenta, rather than behind it.  That is good news, and leads to a better prognosis. 

Also, most importantly, Bug is still doing beautifully.  :). He is still measuring ahead, at 13 weeks, 1 day today (I am 12 weeks, 5 days).  His heart rate was perfect at 167.  We can see so much detail on the ultrasounds now, it is amazing.  I forgot to ask for a photo today, but will do so if we make it to our next appointment in 2 weeks.

So, we are still in the game, at least for now.  Only time will tell whether we will make it to the finish line, or whether we will have to deal with the heartbreak of another (later) loss.  As always, I continue to pray for this baby more than I have ever prayed for anything in my entire life.  I am trying to remain optimistic, but to be honest, that is a struggle at this point.  I am, however, hopeful.  

Sunday, 2 September 2012

So Much for Optimism

Everything seemed to be going so well.  The hematoma was shrinking, I had stopped spotting, and my cramps had really eased up.  I was becoming very optimistic, and was fantasizing about how  we would tell our family and friends that we were expecting.  I was getting increasingly excited, and was starting to think that I might just carry this baby to term like a normal person.  Maybe, just maybe, I wasn't broken after-all.

Sadly. that optimism was short-lived.

On Friday, out of the blue, I started gushing bright red blood.  :(. I went to the ER, where I had an ultrasound.  Bug  was there, dancing away.  He was measuring ahead at 11 weeks, 6 days.

 Unfortunately, the ultrasound also showed that the hematoma (or hemorrhage at this point) had more than quadrupled in size in a week.  :( It was measuring at 8.7 x 5.8 x 1.6 cm.

I have been on self-imposed bed rest since, while I wait to see my OB on Tuesday.  I am still bleeding.  Mostly brown, but some episodes of bright red as well.  That is really not good, obviously. I have read that with a hematoma, bright red bleeding means that whatever is causing the bleeding to pool inside the uterus is actively bleeding.  It could be a tear in the uterine wall, and it could be the placenta detaching.  :( I know that the hematoma is near my placenta and therefore, I am fearing the worst.  Even if that is not what is happening, my uterus is absolutely full of blood at this point (even on Friday, it surrounded 50% of the baby, and is much bigger than he is).  Something likely has to give.
My OB doesn't believe in bed rest at all.  She says that there is no conclusive evidence that it helps and therefore, she will not prescribe it.  I get that I am not a doctor, but frankly, I am still skeptical.  Everything that I have read has suggested that there is a difference in medical opinion on the subject, and that most women (especially those are are seeing a high-risk specialist) are put on bed rest, for at least two weeks after an active bleed subsides.  While bedrest would be disastrous for me professionally right now, I desperately want to make sure that I am doing everything that I can to save this baby.  I can only do bed rest if it is recommended by a doctor, as otherwise my short-term disability insurance will not kick in, and I will not get paid.  I am therefore thinking of switching doctors (or at least, getting a second opinion) if my OB doesn't reconsider her stance on the issue on Tuesday. 

In the meantime, I am too scared to use my doppler to check on Bug, because I don't want to make the bleeding worse by pushing down on my uterus or placenta.  I also don't want to do anything that might cause him pain or discomfort right now, given what he might be going through in there.  If my litttle Bug is fighting for his life right now, the last thing I want to do is make that harder for him.
I am so heartbroken at the thought of losing him.  :(
Here he is as of Friday, by the way.  He is getting so big, and looks so human now.  I love looking at him, but I also hate this picture.  I think that is part of the hematoma to the right, below the placenta.  It looks like the blood is coming from behind the placenta, which is pretty much worst-case scenario.  I am trying to remind myself that I am not trained to read ultrasounds, and therefore don't know for sure what I am seeing - but it sure looks like that is what is happening to me.

I guess there is nothing else to say.  I am pretty sure I am losing him, and my heart is already breaking. 

Saturday, 25 August 2012

10 Weeks, 3 Days - the Hematoma is Shrinking

I had another follow-up ultrasound yesterday at 10 weeks, 2 days.  The hematoma has gotten much smaller! It went from 3.6 x 1.4 x 4.0 cm on August 13, to 1.6 x 1.6 x 0.6 cm yesterday!  That is great progress, and a really good sign.  The doctor that I saw yesterday (my RE was out of town) said that it is consistent with the SCH being reabsorbed and hopefully, going away. 
I guess it's also consistent with my symptoms lately...the spotting has really let up.  In fact, I didn't spot at all for 6 days last week!  It came back a bit yesterday, but barely.  I could only see it on the prometrium applicator, if I looked very closely.  The cramps have also let up.  They seem to be milder, and less frequent.
As for Bug, he is doing famously.  His heart rate was perfect at 182.  We saw him dancing on the ultrasound!  He was kicking his little legs, and flailing his arms - it was the most prescious thing I have ever seen in my entire life.  :)  He is still measuring one day ahead.  Here he is:

I was discharged from my fertility clinic today.  I will continue to see my RE though, as she has a dual practice as an OB.  I like her, and I like the idea of staying with someone who knows our history, and who is familiar with the fertility issues as well.  So, I have another ultrasound and follow-up appointment with her next week. 
I am starting to let myself hope, which to be honest, scares the sh!t out of me.  I mean, I have always hoped - it is what has gotten me this far.  I have hoped that the hematoma would get smaller; and hoped that Bug would still be there, healthy and strong, at my next appointment.  I have hoped and prayed that I will not miscarry.  I have not, however, let myself actually believe that everything might be okay - that I might hold Bug someday, and see him/her smile.  I have not allowed myself to picture that happy ending.  And well, I am starting to now. 
Don't get me wrong, I am still terrified.  I will probably continue to live with that fear at least until the hematoma is gone, and until I make it to 2nd tri unscathed (1 1/2 weeks!).  But now, I can see that maybe, just maybe, everything will be okay.  Maybe. 
Bug and I might just make it through this, together.

Saturday, 18 August 2012

I Heard Bug! :)

I just found and heard Bug's heartbeat with a fetal doppler!  :)  It was amazing!  I couldn't hold it for very long, maybe 30 seconds - but there is absolutely no doubt that it was my Bug.  :)  It took forever to find!  It was obviously very worth it though - hearing that little heart beating was so reassuring!  I know that it says nothing about how the SCH is progressing, but it does mean that my Bug is still with me, and that is everything to me right now.  I cried of course - and my eyes still tear up when I think about it.  So amazing!

Monday, 13 August 2012

So...It's Huge

I had another ultrasound today, to check on the status of the subchorionic hemorrhage/hematoma (SCH).  The good news, again, is that Bug is doing well.  He has a very strong heart beat, and is now measuing two days ahead! 

Unfortunately, the SCH is also growing.  :(  It is about 4 cm now, and it is bigger than the gestational sac.  That is not good. 

We still do not have the most important piece of information - ie. where it is relative to where the placenta is developping.  The placenta is not visible yet and therefore, my RE says that she cannot be certain where the bleed is relative to it.  She also can't tell whether the sac is at all detached or detaching from the uterine wall.  In addition, because the first ultrasound tech didn't note where the "vanishing" twin's sac was located, we also cannot tell where the SCH is relative to where s/he was.

So, I'm essentially just left with the knowledge that while I have a healthy baby in there, I also have a ginormous blood clot, right beside it. 

I don't go back for another ultrasound until August 24.  Until then, all I can do is wait, and pray.  Pray that the bleed is reabsorbed or at least gets smaller; and above all else, pray that Bug stays strong and healthy, and that the SCH doesn't affect him.

I just want my Bug to be okay.  I don't know what I'll do if I lose him too.

Thursday, 9 August 2012

Subchorionic Hemorrhage

I had my follow up ultrasound today, at 8 weeks.  The good news is, Bug is still here.  He has grown by exactly one week, in one week. :)  His heartrate is high at 186 - my RE said that she is not particularly concerned.  He is otherwise perfect.  Here he is:

Now for the not-so-great news.  I apparently have a subchorionic hemorrhage.  The doctor was working off of draft ultrasound report, and couldn't tell me how big it is, or exactly where it is.  She tried to call the ultrasound tech to get that information while we waited, but she couldn't reach her.  This information is pretty critical in terms of the prognosis.

Based on the information that she did have, she said that things could go either way at this point.  It could be related to the lost twin (who is no longer visible on the ultrasound (?)), or it could be related to the otherwise healthy pregnancy.  If the latter, it increases my chances of miscarriage.  As I understand it, the risk is that the hemorrhage could grow and essentially cause the embryo to become dislodged from the uterine wall. 

I am scheduled for yet another ultrasound on Monday.

Meanwhile, the spotting and cramping continues. 

And I am still praying for my Bug. 

Saturday, 4 August 2012

7 Weeks, 2 Days - More Spotting

I woke up to more spotting today. 

It is the first time that I have had any signficant spotting in almost two weeks. 

At first I totally freaked out, of course....but then I realized, this doesn't really change anything.  The possible explanations that my doctor provided for the spotting are still applicable.  In fact, I did have another internal ultrasound two days ago, and the spotting was brown.  This is exactly like the last instance of spotting, which also followed an internal.  I also have the vanishing twin issue, and super cystic ovaries. 

Speaking of ovaries, my right ovary was extremely painful last night actually.  It didn't freak me out, because I knew what it was....but now I am thinking, maybe one of those cysts actually ruptured? 

Anyway, I am not freaking out.  I am NOT.freaking.out. 

There is nothing that I can do about it anyway, if the worst is indeed going to happen. 

I also want to be able to look back on this pregnancy, and know that I loved Bug fully while he was here, inside me.  That I made him feel safe and warm and loved - not surrounded by tension and fear.  I do not want to mourn him while he is still here.  I saw him two days ago, after-all, and his little heart beat was so strong.

So I am going to pick myself up, and go about my day.  I will NOT.freak.out.

Thursday, 2 August 2012

Viability Ultrasound

I had my viability ultrasound this morning.

Apparently, I conceived twins, but only one has made it this far.  :(  The other one is still in there, but there is no heartbeat, and the sac is tiny.

There is also a healthy baby in there, with a strong heartbeat (146).  :) He is measuring at 6 weeks 5 days.  I am 7 weeks along according to when I ovulated.  My RE was adamant though that being off by 2 days is completely normal, and does not in any way suggest that there is a problem.

My husband is super-excited about the fact that there is a healthy baby in there. He actually cried when he saw his little heart beating, it was so sweet. :) It was the first time I have ever seen him cry, after more than 9 years. 

I am extremely excited and relieved as well.

I can't help also being sad for the one that I lost though. Does this count as miscarriage number 2? :(

My RE says that what usually happens now is that the lost twin will be re-absorbed into my body, and the remaining healthy pregnancy should be unaffected.  They are having me come in for another ultrasound next week to follow up and see how things are progressing.

As to the cramping and spotting that I have been having, my RE says that it is to be expected.  The spotting was probably caused by either the ultrasound I had right before it started, the progesterone suppositories, or the loss of the other baby.  The cramps are also normal, and are apparently particularly common when a woman's ovaries look like mine - they are absolutely FULL of large cysts.  I over-responded to the gonal-f, and my ovaries therefore look like an IVF patient's normally would.  I am not complaining - at least this provides a possible explanation for the cramping!  The cysts should resolve themselves over the next few months.

So anyway, good news for the most part.  My Bug is still okay.  It is so weird to be so sad, and so happy, all at the same time.
Please keep growing little Bug!

Friday, 27 July 2012

Hoping for the Best

Well, the spotting stopped.  It really didn't last very long, just about two days.  It was also actually extremely light, notiwthstanding my initial melodramatic description of it as "bleeding."  It really started tapering off within hours of appearing.  The cramps are still coming and going, but I think they were there last week as well - I can't remember at this point.  They feel just like period cramps.  Anyway, I am trying not to assume the worst, but I am terrified.  I know that either spotting or cramps can be normal, but the two together are rarely a good sign.

I finally convinced my RE to move my viability ultrasound up by a week, to next Thursday, when I will be 7 weeks.  Hopefully, at that point I will see a strong heartbeat, and be told that everything is on track. 

In the interim, I went to the clinic that saw me through my last miscarriage, and had a beta drawn.  It was 12,600.  It had been 4,323 a little less than 5 days prior.  That gives me a doubling time of 75 to 77 hours, depending on how precise I am about what time the tests were taken (75 hours is precise).  I get that this is actually perfectly normal, given how high the betas are (1,200 - 6,000 should double every 72 to 96 hours, >6,000 can take >96 hours).  I still hate that it is not less than 48 hours though, even though I know that it is not expected to be at this point.

But yeah, the apparently normal doubling time is a good sign, and gives me some relief for sure!  With my last miscarriage, falling betas were my first real sign of trouble after spotting.

I'm not doing another beta, because I don't know what the upper limit of normal is at this HCG level, and I think I will probably just stress and worry if it is above 96 hours at all (as it apparently should be).

So now, all I can do is wait for that ultrasound, and hope, and pray. 

I have never prayed so hard for anything in my life.

I mean, everything could be okay.  I did start spotting brown a couple of days after an extremely invasive and uncomfortable internal ultrasound (seriously, she had it at like 90 degree angles at times).  That is normal, right?  And so are the cramps...right?  It could be okay.  Maybe, just maybe, I won't lose this baby too.

Monday, 23 July 2012

Bleeding :(

I woke up to blood today. :(. It is significantly more than spotting, but not heavy or bright red. I also starting period-like cramps at the exact same time. Damnit! This is exactly how my first miscarriage started. :(.

Saturday, 21 July 2012


So I spent a lovely evening in the emergency room last night. 

Ha.  Honesty though, it was hardly enjoyable, but I am so glad that I went, because it really put my mind at ease!  The pain in my lower right hand side has gotten significantly worse over the past couple of days.  I finally decided yesterday afternoon that it was sharp and focused enough that I wanted to make sure that it wasn't ectopic.  After a lovely 10 hours at the hospital, I received the following information:
  • there was no evidence of a tubal pregnancy on the ultrasounds;
  • my betas had increased by four-fold in the past four days, to 4,323 (perfect); and
  •  the doctor could see one gestational & yolk sac in my uterus, measuring at 5 weeks, 2 days (I was 5 weeks, 1 day).

Apparently, I am in pain because my ovaries are full of cysts!  Wonderful. 

I snapped this (blurry) photo of the ultrasound machine when the tech stepped out:

You can see one of my stupidly cystic ovaries in the upper right hand corner.  There are multiple cysts/follicles measuring in the range of of 20 to 27 mm in each ovary.  Not exactly normal for pregnancy, but apparently it can happen when the ovaries are hyper-stimulated with fertility drugs, like say, Gonal-f.    Anyway, I spoke to my RE this morning, and she was unconcerned.  She said they should resolve themselves over the next few weeks, and that other than causing some discomfort, they do not pose any actual risk.  :)

I am definitely relieved!  While I'd prefer not to have freakishly cystic ovaries right now, it is far better than the alternative explanation for that focused pain (i.e. ectopic). 

Also, I managed to get some confirmation that everything is on track in the process.  You can see blurry images of the little Bug in the ultrasound shot above.  No fetal pole yet, but at 5 weeks, 1 day, I understand that is perfectly normal.  He/she is measuring exactly right at this stage, if not a day ahead.

So, now can I relax?  :)  I hope so...! 

Monday, 16 July 2012


Today was a great day!  I had my second beta test today, and am elated that it came back at a whopping 979!  :)  It was 135 on Thursday, which gives me a doubling time of 33.59 hours!  This is a fantastic result, and I could not be more pleased, or relieved!  My progesterone was also shockingly high, at 178 nmol/L (which is different from ng/mL).  This is actually the highest level that my RE's lab is capable of measuring. 

My RE is completely unconcerned about my cramps, and has assured me that they are normal. They are so happy with the betas that they are not going to bother doing another draw, and have instead scheduled our next appointment as being our first ultrasound at 8 weeks on August 9.

My husband and I are both so, so, SO happy!  We know that at this point, anything can still happen.  It is still so nice to know that at least as of now, everything is normal for once!

Today is actually also our 9 year dating anniversary, which makes the day extra special.  :)  We are certainly celebrating tonight!

Saturday, 14 July 2012


I honestly didn't think that I would be this scared.  But, I can't get seem to get my prior loss out of my head now, and I can't stop worrying that the same thing is going to happen again.  See, I have had cramps on and off for a few days.  Nothing severe, but sometimes they are sharp.  I keep trying to tell myself that they are gas pains or something, because they have moved around a little and that seems odd to me.  Today I have consistent, sharp-ish pain on my lower right side.  As much as I really am trying not to worry, it's kind of freaking me out.  I know that cramps can be normal, and I know that they may not be a big deal, especially since I am not spotting.  That said, I just can't seem to stop over-analyzing this and worrying.  *sigh* 

My first beta on Thursday was 135 at 14 DPO.  I am just hoping and praying that my second beta on Monday is where it should be - which is at least around 540.  If so, then I think I will be able to relax a little bit.  Until then, I guess I will just try to keep my mind off of it.  There really is nothing that can be done to prevent a loss at this point anyway - if it going to happen, it is going to happen. 

Wednesday, 11 July 2012

3 Weeks, 6 Days - Nervous but Excited

I'm still pregnant! 

Ha.  Seriously though, not much to update yet.  I have been taking FRERs every morning, partly to ensure that the line is getting darker, and partly to assure myself that I am indeed still pregnant.  :)  The line has gotten stronger, thankfully.  I also finally worked up the nerve to take a Clearblue digi, and sure enough, its pronouncement of how far along I am correlates precisely with reality (phew!).  Here are the three most recent FRERs, and the digi:

My first beta is tomorrow morning.  Second beta should be Saturday.  I admit, I'm pretty nervous!  I am really struggling with fear and worry at this stage, given my previous loss.  I am so scared that those betas are not going to double the way they should.  Every little twinge in my general abdominal area makes my heart skip a beat.  I am terrified about losing this baby.  I wish that I could reclaim the innocence of pregnancy prior to my miscarriage.  Instead, it is a daily struggle to convince myself not to worry, that chances are that everything will be fine, and that the likelihood that I will miscarry again is low.  I have to be positive.  I have to allow myself to enjoy this, to hope, to get excited.  Afterall, a life is actually growing inside of me right now.  That is pretty amazing.  :)

Monday, 9 July 2012

I'm Pregnant! :))

I'm pregnant!! :)

I am so excited! I took a digital First Response test this morning with FMU, as well as another FRER. Both tests were very clearly positive! The second line on the FRER was darker and more pink than it was yesterday. I am also now getting faint positives on internet cheapies (which by the way, are garbage! They are supposed to be sensitive to 10mui - I call bullshit on that).   What a beautiful way to wake up:

I am beside myself. I had myself convinced that this was not our cycle. In fact, I was becoming increasingly convinced that this whole process was going to take much, much longer than I had thought (I mean really - 4% motility!). I feel so very, very blessed right now! :)

Betas on Thursday and Saturday. Praying for good numbers, and a healthy doubling time!
Please stick, little Bug. I already love you so much.

Sunday, 8 July 2012

Evap Line within Test Window?

I don’t know what to think.  I took this test today with FMU at 10DPO.  I definitely see something!  This photograph was taken within the test window, and the “line” is clearly visible in real life.  BUT, when I look closely, I can’t see much color.  I know that evaporation lines can be grayish, and I also know that all pregnancy tests have an “indent” or hint of a line where the test line will show up if it is positive.  I can usually see those if I look really closely.  I do not have to look closely to see this.  But, it doesn’t look pink.  I can’t tell if it’s just an indent.  Help!  I don’t know what to think.  I don’t want to get my hopes up if this is an evap line.

Friday, 6 July 2012

Looking Ahead

I know that this cycle hasn't quite come to an end just yet, but to be honest I am feeling a bit deflated, and not nearly as optimistic as I normally am. I blame it on the progesterone supplements - I really am a hormonal mess on this stuff. Anyway, I have been giving some thought to this whole process. My husband feels pretty strongly that the IUIs are not necessary, and that the sample-giving process is having a detrimental effect on his performance. He is obviously not a doctor, and I am certainly not convinced that he is right. That said, he does have some evidence to back him up. For example, he can point to the "natural" BFP we achieved from our November 2011 cycle, long before we had any reason to suspect that we had any fertility issues beyond my short luteal phase, and suspected progesterone deficiency. That may have simply been a stroke of luck, for surely, his sperm analysis does not suggest that pregnancy should have come so easily to us. The fact that we now also know that he has a varicoscele further supports the inference that his sample-giving difficulties do not tell the whole story.

Regardless, he feels pretty strongly about it, and has suggested several times this month that if this cycle isn't it, then we should consider giving the "old fashioned way" another chance. While I am not convinced that he is right, I think I might still agree to do it his way, just for one cycle. I think that would be enough to appease him. It will also give me a break from cycling, which I admit would be welcome. I reealize that I have not been doing the whole treatment thing for nearly as long as others, but that does not change the fact that it is difficult. This last cycle was my third consecutive month of being monitored (the first was for diagnostic purposes). I am already tired of waking up early and going into that office to be poked and prodded at least 7-12 days per month. My arms seem to be permanently bruised from the needles, and at times I feel like I get more action from the vag cam than I do from my husband. It is also extremely expensive. We have only minimal drug coverage, with an annual limit of just $1,000. My last cycle cost just under $1,600.

Perhaps a compromise would be to forego the IUIs, and thereby avoid the sample-giving hurdle, but still use the Gonal-f, to increase our chances with TI. Hmmm. Something to think about for sure.

I am of course getting ahead of myself again, as usual. I am only 8DPO. Maybe... just maybe.. you never know.

Thursday, 28 June 2012

IUI #2.2 - My Husband is a Rockstar!

I had IUI#2.2 today, and am so happy to report that my husband's sperm finally came to the party! :) His motility shot up to 60% (progressive)!! Yesterday it was only 4%, so that is a huge difference! His concentration was decent (28 million per ml), and his volume was the best it has been yet (2ml). Overall, awesome result! We had 13 million motile post wash! :)) I am so so relieved. Even if this doesn't work this cycle, I have a little more hope now, as there is evidence that his boys can put on a good showing. :)

I think the difference might actually be the lack of abstaining this time. His motility has been consistently higher when he doesn't abstain for more than 24 hours, and substantially lower when he does (for example, he abstained for 3 days before the 4% motility yesterday). His count is higher when he abstains, but frankly, who gives a fuck if we have 100 million immotile sperm? So, no more abstaining for us. It's more fun this way anyway! ;)

As for me, the jury is out on whether I had already ovulated. The ultrasound technician said definitely not, but the nurse said maybe/probably based on my bloodwork (progesterone went up, estrogen fell slightly). The doctor was adamant that I would not ovulate until 36 hours after the trigger, and that my bloodwork was normal for right before ovulation. Dr. Google is, of course, inconsistent - some sources say progesterone starts to rise immediately before ovulation, and some say it only rises after (and no, I am not consulting Yahoo answers!). I did get one positive OPK the night before trigger, but I got a negative within hours, and my bloodwork has not shown an LH surge. Perhaps it was a short surge, and maybe it was a false positive. Who knows. Either way, it was at least close. With multiple follies and 13 million swimmers, I can't help but hope!

Wednesday, 27 June 2012

IUI #2.1 - 4% Motility, WTF??

I had IUI #2.1 today (ie. the first of two back-to-back IUIs this cycle). It did not go very well. There is good news and bad news. The good news is, the collection condoms really did do the trick - my husband's sample volume trippled to 1.5 ml! His concentration was great, at 70 million per ml. The problem, and the bad news, is his motility. It was a whopping 4%! :(. We knew it was low, but we were not anticipating a number like that (it has previously been 26% and 17%). The extremely low motility made a big difference. Notwithstanding that we had upwards of 100 total sperm, only 3 million survived the wash, with 85% of them being motile. Dammit!. If it's not one thing, it's a-fucking-nother. Of course the doctor also could not get the catheter past my stupid cervix again either, and so she had to use the foley balloon method again.

This is so frustrating.

On the plus side, to the extent that it even matters at this point, I had an awesome response to the Gonal-f! Even at the low dose of 87.5, I had three perfect mature follies, with two that were very close (1.6 cm each), and another three at 1.5 cm! The odds of any more than the three most mature follies containing an egg are about 50/50, according to my RE. Of course, none of that matters if we don't have enough good sperm to work with. *sigh*

I guess we will try again tomorrow. My bloodwork and ultrasound today showed that I had not yet ovulated, so there is still hope. We really need to get to the bottom of this motility bullshit though. My husband has an initial appointment with a urologist in July, which can't come soon enough.

Sunday, 24 June 2012

CD8, & The Baby Shower

I had my CD8 monitoring appointment today.  My follies seem to be doing great!  I have two good follies (1.8 & 1.6), and one more that might catch up (1.3).  Not bad for CD8!  :)  I will be taking Gonal-f again today, and then hopefully, triggering tomorrow!  IUIs on Tuesday and Wednesday.  I am so excited and nervous!  Excited because well, I always am - I am a perpetual optimist, and having two to three good follies just makes me that much more hopeful.  Nervous, because no matter how well my body responds and how many follies I have, none of that will matter if MH's numbers are too low.  Eek!  Please, please cross your fingers for us. 

I am happy that I had a good appointment today, as it might make this afternoon a bit more bearable.  I have to go to THE baby shower today.  "THE" because it is for the one person whose pregnancy makes me very sad - I found out that this woman was pregnant within an hour of starting to miscarry in January.  :(  She was just a little further along than I was at the time.  While I do okay with pregnant people and baby showers in general, her pregnancy is a different story.  It reminds me of what I (almost) had, and lost, and of how far along I would be right now (7 months!) had my body not failed me.  She is a great person, and I am honestly, truly very happy for her - but I can't help but be sad for me at the same time.  As I said, she is the only person whose pregnancy really draws out these emotions in me, and I feel terrible about it.  I'm sure it's because of how/when I found out. Thankfully, she has no idea, as I am very good at hiding my emotions and putting on a good face.  I'm sure that I will be able to do it again today.  It will be hard though.