tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12406471489805198882024-03-04T22:55:56.670-08:00Someday, She SaidKMachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10137791310345907124noreply@blogger.comBlogger52125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240647148980519888.post-55770576027899661152014-06-17T17:51:00.001-07:002014-06-17T17:51:08.730-07:00Here We Go Again!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I am so excited!!! :)<br />
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Believe it or not, we conceived naturally this time, while breastfeeding, on our very first cycle trying! No fertility meds or procedures necessary. Other than Prometrium, that is. I had my progesterone tested before we started to TTC and not surprisingly, it was low again. Thank goodness there are supplements for that!<br />
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I am 4 weeks, 5 days along as of today!<br />
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Betas look good, with a 39 hour doubling time. I have an ultrasound scheduled for next Thursday.<br />
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I am trying very hard to stay relaxed about this whole thing, and to not obsess over my past losses and the potential for miscarriage now, especially given my age. I'm doing better than I thought I would in this regard - probably only because I just don't have the time I used to have, to sit around worrying and <i>thinking so</i> much.<br />
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Which is probably a good thing, because something tells me that if I <i>really </i>thought about how difficult it will be to have two (barely) under two, I might just panic. :)<br />
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<br />KMachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10137791310345907124noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240647148980519888.post-8207425864031326272014-03-16T16:54:00.000-07:002014-03-16T17:02:13.240-07:00A Letter to Samuel (12 Months)<div style="font-family: Helvetica; text-align: justify;">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">Hello, my sweet little Bug.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I am writing this letter to you on the eve of your first birthday. I can’t believe that you are a year old already. Where did that time go? You are about to become a toddler. An infant no more. You will always, ALWAYS be my baby though Darling. No matter how old you get, how independent you become. My love will always be there with you. And you will always be my sweet, sweet Bug.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">It has been a long time since I have written a letter to you. I apologize for that. You have just kept me so busy my Darling! You are always on the move. You are so inquisitive, so energetic, and so very determined. If you can see it, you are convinced that you can get to it, and that it should go into your mouth (where else?). </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">You have been crawling in one form or another since you were just over eight months old. You started with a movement that resembled a cross between an inchworm and an army crawl. It was very cute. :) You eventually figured out that you could move faster if you pushed up on all fours, at which point there was no looking back. You are very quick my dear. And you love to be chased! You will crawl away, stop, sit up and turn to look at me. I will smile at you or say your name, and you will then break into a little fit of giggles, and turn and crawl as fast as you can. You keep looking back at me. Once you see that I am indeed following you, you squeal with delight, and keep going. This ends with me catching up with you, and tickling you. It is one of your favourite games.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Some of your other favourite things include: playing with light switches (you are very good at turning them off, and get excited every time we walk past one), hanging out in your baby carrier (this is one of your very favourite places to be), playing with your red ball (you love to throw it and watch it bounce), chasing the cats (they are still faster than you - for now), playing peekaboo with your security blanket, playing with the kitchen doors (open, shut! open, shut! open…you get the idea), bath time, and eating. You love to eat my dear! Current favourites are salmon, cheese (especially havarti), peaches, strawberries, whole grain toast or crackers, and blueberry pancakes. If you see any of these things on your plate, you will refuse to eat anything else.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">We have a leisurely breakfast together at least once every weekend. I make pancakes, french toast, or eggs, etc for you. Daddy doesn't eat breakfast, so it is a special time that we share, just the two of us. We then spend the better part of at least one day every weekend in our pajamas. We just play, eat and nap all day. It is lovely.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">You aren’t quite walking yet, but I think you are close. You have been pulling up and “cruising” for 4 months. You will often let go for a few minutes, smile, then plop down on your bum. You sometimes start to “walk” away, taking as many as four or five steps before falling. You just need to work on your balance. :)</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">You are so full of personality. You are quick to smile, but equally quick to let me know that you are not happy. You hate to have your diaper or clothes changed. You react as if it is the end of the world! I just keep being gentle with you, and talking to you soothingly - eventually, I hope, you will realize that I am not trying to hurt you, and that if you cooperate, it will be over before you know it. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Everyone who meets you says that you are the most beautiful baby they have ever seen. I realize that I am biased, but I have to agree. You are so adorable, with your big blue eyes and blonde hair. Your smile melts my heart. It is your personality and “spark” that really draw people in though. You flirt with every girl you meet, and reach out for and smile at elderly people, especially if they are alone (which is the sweetest thing ever). You try to act shy, burying your face into my neck, peeking out and smiling at strangers. We all see right through you, though my dear. You love people, and attention. And they all seem to love you too.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">You are spending your days in daycare now. I miss you so very, very much. It makes my heart hurt to be away from you so much. You are my very favourite person, my favourite part of this world. I would love nothing more than to spend all of my time with you. Sadly though, that is not an option right now. So, I try to look on the bright side and focus on the positive aspects of this arrangement. You seem to genuinely enjoy daycare, and like the women who care for you there. You are constantly stimulated with new experiences, new people, and interactions. I do love my job and believe that I am setting a positive example for you by remaining independent and engaged. Not an hour goes by that I don’t think about you though, my sweet Darling. I very much doubt that that will ever change.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">You have regressed a bit with your sleep since starting daycare, in that you are again refusing to nap anywhere but in my arms when I am home. I can’t even pretend to mind. I treasure those moments, and know that the day will come when you no longer want me to hold you at all, let alone for hours at a time while you doze peacefully in my arms. I am taking the snuggles while I can get them. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">A year already. I feel as if time is slipping away from me too quickly. Before I know it, you won’t need me anymore. My voice will not make you smile so quickly, my arms will not provide all the comfort and security that you need. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want time to stop. I want more than anything in the world for you to grow up, and to live a long, happy and healthy life. I want you to die a very old man, content with the knowledge that you lived the best life that you could, and that you were, and always will be, loved. I want you to spread your wings someday, to exert your independence, and to create a life over which you can claim authorship. I can only hope that you will think of me now and then, and that you will know that I loved you more fiercely, and more completely than any person has ever loved another, in the history of time. And that that love will follow you everywhere, always, long after I am gone.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">No, I do not want time to stop. I just wish that it would <i>slow down</i>.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I love you, my sweet Darling. More than anything in the whole wide world. And I always will, no matter what.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">Mummy</span></div>
KMachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10137791310345907124noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240647148980519888.post-86982705878079198652013-09-21T18:33:00.000-07:002013-09-21T18:33:36.570-07:00Six Months - a Letter to BugHello, my sweet little Bug.<br />
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You are now six months old. I can't believe that half a year has passed already! It seems like such a short amount of time, and yet it encompasses your entire life to date. It is truly amazing to think about how much you have changed since you entered this world just six short months ago. You have grown from a tiny, relatively unresponsive bundle of cuteness into a sweet, funny, and engaging little boy. Your eyes, once unfocused, are now bright and alert, taking in the world around you. Your movements, once seemingly random and uncoordinated, are becoming more focused and intentional. You reach for things now, grasp them and study them - and then invariably try to eat them. You are so keen to interact with everyone and everything that you encounter.</div>
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You have changed so much in the past month alone. You have been sitting up unassisted for the past couple of weeks. I was so surprised and proud of you when you did it for the first time! I was sitting behind you in your bedroom, holding you up while you played with your toys. You reached forward to grab something, and then just sat straight up by yourself! I started clapping and cheering you on, and you just looked at me as if to say, "What? So I'm sitting up. You do it all the time - what's the big deal?" Daddy works from home, so he was able to come in and share this "first" with you too. He was (and always is) so proud of you my little Darling. We both are.</div>
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You have graduated from a diet of breast milk only to one that so far consists of rice cereal, sweet potatoes, peas and butternut squash. I introduce a new food to you every 4 or 5 days. You LOVE to eat! You didn't quite know what to make of your first bite, which was of a homemade sweet potato puree. It didn't take you long though to decide that food was the best thing since, well, milk. After a few bites, you started to literally vibrate with excitement every time the spoon approached your mouth. Two weeks later, you are still doing this! It is the cutest thing. I put you in your highchair while I prepare your food. As soon as you see me take your little bowl out of the cupboard, you smile and start to bounce. You bang the table between bites, as if to say, "Come on Mom, hurry up!" You even seemed to enjoy peas, although you were a bit put off by the grainy texture. Sorry kid. It's a result of the food being homemade, rather than coming from a jar. You'll get used to it. </div>
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You have made great progress in the nap department. You have finally started to sleep other than in my arms! I admit, this development is very bittersweet. I know that it is necessary, as I will be going back to work soon, and will not be here to hold you while you slumber. I didn't want you to have to suffer through the transition while at daycare, without me being there to comfort you and help you adjust. So, I had to force the issue. While I am relieved and proud that you are doing so well, I am also sad. I love holding you while you sleep. It is one of my very favorite things to do in this world. I now often find myself staring at your sweet face on the video monitor, wishing that you still needed me to hold you, if only for a little while longer. I know that this is better for you, and of course that's ultimately all that matters. I will get used to it. I will never stop missing those moments with you though. <br />
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I imagine that I will feel something very similar on many occasions in the years to come. I am torn between two very powerful emotions when it comes to you, my love. On the one hand, I want time to stop - or at least slow to a snail's pace. I love everything about this time in our lives, and I don't want it to end. I don't <em>want</em> to go back to go back to work, and leave you to the care of strangers. I don't <em>want</em> you to stop needing me. I don't <em>want</em> you to stop being my sweet little baby boy. I don't want you to grow up.</div>
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On the other hand, I <em>can't</em> <em>wait</em> to watch you grow up! I am so looking forward to raising you my Darling. I can't wait until you can talk to me. I am excited to hear the sound of your voice, and to know and share your thoughts, dreams, hopes and fears. I am looking forward to building sand castles with you, teaching you how to ride a bike, baking cookies with you, and helping you with your homework. I can't wait to meet the man that you will become.</div>
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Ultimately, it is this latter wish that trumps all else. I <em>want</em> you to grow up. I want to be the best mother that I can be to you in that process, and to help you become the best (and happiest) possible version of yourself. </div>
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I can't tell what the future holds, my sweet Bug, but I can promise you this. I will always be there beside you, ready to take your hand. I will always put your interests above all else. I will always strive to be the best mother that I can. And I will always, <em>always</em> love you my Darling. More than anything. No matter what.</div>
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Mummy</div>
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KMachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10137791310345907124noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240647148980519888.post-17716289865938386642013-09-02T12:52:00.001-07:002013-09-02T13:05:22.765-07:00Please Don't Let Me Forget...A few random things that I want to remember, forever:<br />
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The way you look when you are sleeping in my arms;</div>
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The way you sometimes keep "sucking" after I de-latch you when you are asleep;</div>
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The way you reach out and explore my face with your little hands - and the look of wonder on your face when you do so;</div>
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The way your face lights up when I laugh;</div>
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How excited you get when I cheer you on (after you do something new for example), and how you then try to repeat whatever it was that got the cheer, over and over;</div>
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How you giggle when I shake my head over you so that my hair brushes your face;</div>
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The way you reach out and play with (or try to eat?) your books now when I read to you at night;</div>
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The way you sometimes "talk" to me now, very insistently, and in a voice that is almost whisper quiet;</div>
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The way you smile as soon as you see me, after being held by someone else; </div>
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The weight of your little head resting against my chest, on my shoulder, or on my arm, after you have fallen asleep;</div>
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The look on your face when you see or experience something new and exciting for the first time - a mixture of wonder, confusion, and amazement;</div>
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Your tiny, chubby little feet;</div>
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Your sweet gummy smile;</div>
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Your adorable belly laughs (which are most common when I pull a onesie over your head, strap you into the jolly jumper, or tickle your belly and chest); and</div>
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The way you look at me sometimes....I just know that in that moment, you are trying to tell me how much you love me. It melts my heart.</div>
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<br />KMachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10137791310345907124noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240647148980519888.post-76091422042803749572013-08-17T19:28:00.002-07:002013-08-18T10:57:33.127-07:00A Letter to my Sweet Samuel<div style="text-align: justify;">
Hello, my sweet little Darling.<br>
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As I write this letter to you, you are lying in my arms, fast
asleep. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is how you take most of your naps at this
point. You fall asleep while I am feeding you. If I try to move you to your
crib or swing once you have fallen asleep, you wake up and protest, even if
your position was hardly disturbed in the process. It is as if you can immediately
sense the change in temperature, the sudden absence of my heartbeat against
you. <br>
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People keep telling me that I should not let you nap in my
arms anymore, and that I should insist that you start sleeping in your crib
during the day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know that at some
point soon, I will have to listen to them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You need to learn to nap independently of me at some point, as I will be
returning to work in January and will therefore no longer be able to hold you
as you fall asleep every afternoon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
should also really be using the time that you are asleep during the day to get
things done around the house. Your Daddy has been very patient with the current
state of affairs, but really, I do need to keep this place a little cleaner. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br>
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br></span></div>
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<o:p> </o:p>I know that they are right, and yet, I can’t bring myself to
push the issue too much just yet. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Holding
you in my arms, feeling your chest rise and fall against me, staring at your
sweet face while you dream – there are no words to describe how content and at
peace I am in these moments.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wish that
I could capture them somehow, and bottle them up, so that I could relive them
over and over again.</div>
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You often smile while you are sleeping.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My heart melts every single time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Last week, you actually had a laughing fit in
your sleep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You suddenly starting
cracking up – big, loud belly laughs – but you did not open your eyes. You kept
sleeping, and smiling. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hope
that your dreams always bring you that much joy. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br>
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br></span></div>
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To be sure, you are not always quite that happy when you are
awake.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like both of your parents, you
have a very strong personality, and you insist on making your opinions and
feelings known. The problem, of course, is that you cannot yet speak, and therefore,
we do not always understand what you are trying to tell us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This leads to certain frustration for you. I
am actually starting to teach you sign language, so that you can hopefully
begin to communicate effectively with us about some things before you develop
the ability to speak.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You already smile
when I make the sign for milk. I’m not sure if you understand the association yet,
or if you just like watching me move my hands around and smile at you. It
really makes no difference to me at this point. Anything that brings a smile to
your face makes me happy.<br>
<br></div>
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Your Daddy and I spent the day with you today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We make a point of spending at least one full
day together as a family every single week. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because it is summer right now, we generally
spend it outside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We take you to the
zoo, for walks down on the boardwalk, and to the park in the valley by our
home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Today we took you to a different
park, where you got to play in a swing for the first time. You weren’t quite
big enough for it yet, so I kept my hand on your back while we swung you
carefully, and your daddy took photos. Daddy is as persistent in attempting to
capture as many of our moments together as I am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br>
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyDKwvM7LT6VKu-SXOhVXPT5IBppalr4SUear97Z0TBRGKd6AcaB0KZ-mCUda1DmvpjRfEgz9qNvEYDrUrVfIE8jLdDmV5DdibPeobxyZ23oG1QpO1fuR8n_MRPdZf2VgYTOZFk8KufnAZ/s1600/IMG_8173.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyDKwvM7LT6VKu-SXOhVXPT5IBppalr4SUear97Z0TBRGKd6AcaB0KZ-mCUda1DmvpjRfEgz9qNvEYDrUrVfIE8jLdDmV5DdibPeobxyZ23oG1QpO1fuR8n_MRPdZf2VgYTOZFk8KufnAZ/s320/IMG_8173.JPG" width="213"></a></div>
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You loved the swing! You smiled and laughed the entire time.
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You are still a little small to play with much of the other playground equipment. Daddy did take you over to sit on the slides though. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: justify;"><br></div>
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<div style="text-align: justify;"><em><span style="font-size: x-small;"> (</span><span style="font-size: x-small;">I couldn't get you to look at me or the camera for the life of me!)</span></em></div>
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<div style="text-align: justify;"><o:p><br></o:p></div><div style="text-align: justify;">
<o:p> </o:p>We also took you swimming for the first time today! We had a
feeling that you would like it, as you love your baths, and always have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were not wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You were adorable, as always.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The look on your face when your toes touched
the water for the first time was priceless. Thankfully, Daddy was there with
his video camera to capture the entire thing!</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br></div>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
I hope that we have many, many more days like today my
darling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your Daddy and I both love you more
than you will ever know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are both so
very, very grateful for every day, night, hour and moment that we have with you.
Even when you are a total fussbutt. <span style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are the light of our lives – our sunshine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The moment that you were born, you became our
reason for waking up in the morning, for eating, and for breathing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are our world.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br></div>
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And with that my love, I will leave you for now. You are
beginning to stir.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is time to play
with you, to talk to you, and to listen to you as you “talk” to me. To return
your smiles, and try to elicit your laughter. It is time for more of those
moments that I will forever wish that I could relive. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: justify;"><br></div>
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I love you my sweet darling, my little Bug.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>More than anything. I always will, no matter what.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: justify;"><br></div>
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<o:p> </o:p>Mummy</div>
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KMachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10137791310345907124noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240647148980519888.post-47849098988793684062013-08-14T09:02:00.001-07:002013-08-14T09:19:11.393-07:00I'm Back!<br />
I'm back!<br />
<br />
To running, that is. :).<br />
<br />
I reached a personal milestone a couple of weeks ago, running just under 6k for the first time in more than a year. I've been running similar distances consistently several times a week since then. <br />
<br />
I know that 6k is not much for many runners, but it is still a major milestone for me, after not having run at all for well over a year. It feels so great to finally be getting back into it!<br />
<br />
Running is one of my favorite things to do. There are the obvious physical and health benefits that come along with it. More important for me though is the way that running makes me feel. After I finish a good run, I feel like I am on top of the world. It is such a great, natural high. Running also clears my mind, and allows me to work out any stress or anxiety (which I am prone to). It feels almost as if I have taken a shower on the inside, if that makes any sense. I feel refreshed, energized, and at peace.<br />
<br />
Given how I feel about running, you can imagine how disappointed I was to have to stop running when I started fertility treatments last spring. It probably would have been fine to keep up with it through that process, but a then-recent loss had made me very paranoid. I just couldn't go through that again. So, I stopped running. I might have picked it up again once I became pregnant, but as you know from reading this blog, my pregnancy ended up being very complicated and high risk. I wasn't able to walk around much, let alone run.<br />
<br />
The fact that my pregnancy was complicated and stressful made me miss the release and calming effect of running that much more. You know how some women miss coffee, wine, sushi, etc., while pregnant? I missed running. (And beer. Lol)<br />
<br />
I was so, so happy to be able to get back into it postpartum. Because I hadn't run at all for so long though, I had to start slowly, roughly following a popular couch to 5k training program. <br />
<br />
And now, finally, I'm back. :)<br />
<br />
My distances will obviously increase from here on in, as will my pace. But it just feels so damned good to get in good runs again on a regular basis, even if I'm still a ways away from my personal bests.<br />
<br />
That's it. That was the only point of this post.<br />
<br />
So much of what I think, do and write about now is about my sweet Samuel. This post was all about me. And I'm okay with that. :)<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
KMachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10137791310345907124noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240647148980519888.post-71011148244754101032013-07-31T19:17:00.000-07:002013-09-02T12:53:14.520-07:00These are the Days...<div style="text-align: justify;">
It has been a while since I posted an update - sorry for that! Time just gets away from me so much more easily now I guess. I am almost always either busy entertaining and interacting with Bug, or enjoying some much needed downtime, which usually involves a baby sleeping in my arms (yeah, I still haven't pushed the nap issue yet). I often think about this blog, and lament my failure to keep it updated. I want to keep a record of this time - of what he was doing, and how I felt in these early days. I want to do everything that I can to help me remember every little detail, as I am quite certain that these are the best days of my life. I'm doing a very poor job so far, I know. I'm finally starting to really feel like myself again though, and am therefore hopeful that I will do better from this point forward.<br />
<br />
Samuel is almost 4 and 1/2 months old. This has to be my favorite period with him so far. He is so alert, and keen on discovering and interacting with the world around him. He grasps and plays with his toys now, and is always looking around for me if I am not in his line of sight. He is quick with his smiles, and is pretty determined to make his opinions known, either by cooing, babbling, or (less frequently) crying. He loves "standing", and will often fuss until I help him up. He supports his own weight - I just help him balance. He is a hyper little character. I am convinced he will be an early mover. We will see I guess!<br />
<br />
Although he is definitely still not a fan of being on his belly, he does seem to hate tummy time a little less now. He will still cry after a few minutes, unless he's naked. Then he is fine for a while. Strange, I know.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
To be honest, I wasn't sure how I'd take to being at home all day with a little one, after being focused on my education and career for so long. But, I am happy to say that I absolutely love it so far. He is my favorite person, and I treasure our days together. I try to get out of the house with him at least once a day, even if only to run an errand or two. More often, I take him down for a walk in the valley near our home, or over to a nearby park. He seems to like the bus and subway, and so I am taking him downtown more and more often. We have also been out to a few mommy group meet ups, and out for lunch with a few women and babies who we have met through those groups and online.</div>
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My husband is still very busy with work, so we are on our own most days during the week. However, he makes sure to set aside at least one full day a week for family time (in addition to most evenings). We've been to the zoo a few times, the park, and for walks down on the boardwalk along the waterfront. We are also often out to friends' houses for barbecues, etc. But it's the days that we spend alone together as a family that I really love.</div>
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I love those days. I believe that Samuel does too. I think that his daddy is already his hero. :).</div>
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He is still a mommy's boy though.</div>
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I hope that he always will be, no matter how big his world becomes.</div>
KMachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10137791310345907124noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240647148980519888.post-73802637591521111582013-05-06T10:14:00.002-07:002013-05-06T11:28:41.300-07:00Cliche, but True<br />
They really do grow up too fast.<br />
<br />
Bug is only 7 weeks old, and yet already I can see him changing and growing, and leaving the newborn stage behind. His newborn clothes haven't fit for weeks. (I admit that I shed a tear or two the first time I realized that he had outgrown them.). He is more alert every day, and is starting to try to communicate other than by crying (making vowel sounds, etc). He can clearly see and focus on things that are much farther away now. He has amazing head and neck control, and can sit up (against something) without needing his head to be supported at all. And the smiles! They are my favorite part of every day.<br />
<br />
I absolutely love that he is becoming more interactive. I also admit that part of me can't wait until he outgrows his fussiness a bit (okay, a lot). Still though, it makes me sad to see him growing so quickly. I love his little baby cuddles, the little noises that he makes, the way that he smells. I love that look of wonder in his eyes as he studies my face. His tiny little toes make my heart melt. I have rarely been more content or at peace than I am when I am nursing him - it is as if at that moment at least, there is nothing else in the world that matters to either of us.<br />
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As weird as it may sound, I also kind of love that he needs me so much. That I am his world right now. As he is mine.<br />
<br />
So, while I am certainly enjoying watching my son grow and develop, I admit that part of me is sad to see my little baby changing and growing so quickly.<br />
<br />
Before I know it, he will no longer insist on napping only in my arms. Nursing while nestled against me will no longer be his favorite way to spend his time. He will not need me quite so much. His world will grow exponentially, and I will only be a small part of it.<br />
<br />
I guess I am just experiencing what countless other parents have gone through and lamented before me. It may be cliche, but it is also true - they really do grow up too fast.<br />
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<br />KMachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10137791310345907124noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240647148980519888.post-26373650007178760982013-05-03T09:47:00.001-07:002013-05-06T09:33:31.952-07:00Six and a Half Weeks<br />
Samuel is six and a half weeks old. I can't believe it has been that long! At the same time though, life without him feels like a lifetime ago. Certainly, our lives will never be the same, so in that sense, life without him WAS another lifetime. He is the centre of our world now - everything revolves around him, his needs and well- being.<br />
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So, how have these past six weeks gone you might ask? Well, it has certainly been an adventure! We are both smitten with our beautiful, sweet boy, and feel so lucky to have him in our lives. Truly, we are blessed. Taking care of this sweet, precious little child is a privilege that I know I will never take for granted.<br />
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On a practical level, we are finally starting to settle into a bit of a routine, which is wonderful. You see, as precious as our little Bug is, he has been a handful since the day he was born. :). He did not sleep at first - at least, not anywhere other than in our arms. He refused to lie flat, so we ordered a Rock n Play from the States (don't even get me started on the exorbitant shipping charges!). He would sleep in that, but only for an hour at a time, tops. Nights were fun! Right around five weeks, we implemented a bedtime routine, started working harder to reinforce the difference between day and night (e.g. lights, noise), and started regulating how much he slept during the day (flame away, it worked). Almost immediately, he started sleeping for longer stretches at night. He is now up to starting with a good 4 hour stretch, then following that with one or two 1 to 3 hour stretches, usually for a toal of about 7.5 hours of sleep (broken up by 1-3 wakings). We are ecstatic!<br />
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He still refuses to nap anywhere but in my arms. I know that is not sustainable, but for now I admit that I don't fight it too much. Holding him while he dozes is one of the most amazing feelings I have ever experienced, and I know that I will miss it desperately when he outgrows it. I will start pushing the issue more soon, I promise. :)<br />
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He continues to be a very fussy little baby. From what I have read though, the fussiness should be peaking right about now, after which it should gradually get better, usually by about 3 to 4 months. We are holding onto that. In the meantime, we are enjoying the smiles that we do get, which are truly magical and heart-melting. I still tear up when he does it. <br />
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Welcoming this little angel into our lives has been nothing short of life changing. Sure, it's been challenging, and I'm sure it will always be in one way or another. But I can't imagine my life without him now. I really can't. He means more to me than everyone and everything else in this world, combined. I honestly just can't articulate the joy he has brought to us. We are so, so blessed.<br />
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And seriously, he is pretty cute!<br />
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<br />KMachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10137791310345907124noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240647148980519888.post-59579192258911149082013-04-07T06:03:00.001-07:002013-04-07T15:12:57.310-07:00Early Lessons<br />
Some things I have learned in my almost-three-weeks of motherhood:<br />
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1. All of the parenting books and advice in the world cannot actually prepare you for the first weeks of motherhood. <br />
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2. Sleep deprivation is infinitely more difficult to cope with when you realize that you may ever actually have an opportunity to sleep well again. It is very different from lost sleep when you know and can look forward to catching up with a good eight hours after exams/work/ whatever else is keeping you up passes.<br />
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3. Some babies do not like to be put down. Ever. Period. <br />
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4. It's amazing what you can accomplish one-handed when you don't have a choice.<br />
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5. After a bath, Bug will almost always have an explosive poop. The only question is whether he will then also pee on me and himself while I try to clean him up.<br />
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6. Babies can pee in the own ears. Seriously.<br />
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7. A clean sleeper will invariably lead to spit up within half an hour, if not minutes.<br />
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8. Growth spurts suck. Literally. <br />
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9. You cannot "sleep when baby sleeps" if baby refuses to sleep anywhere other than on you.<br />
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10. Poop and pee and lack of sleep notwithstanding, you have never known a love like the one you will feel for your child.<br />
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<br />KMachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10137791310345907124noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240647148980519888.post-51926063341126599562013-04-03T09:12:00.001-07:002013-04-03T09:41:24.753-07:00Samuel <span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">My little Bug is finally here! Samuel James was born on March 19, 2013 after 33 hours of labor. He is precious and amazing, and words simply cannot express how smitten I am. </span><br />
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<br />Delivery was difficult and downright scary at one point - his heart rate began to dip into the 40s (yes, the 40s) during contractions. I didn't know what was going on at the time, only that all of a sudden there were no less than ten doctors in the room, including high risk specialists who I recognized, and cardio specialists (his heart rare had been high or "tacky" throughout the last six or so hours of labor). I was told the baby needed out NOW, and to push, push, PUSH without breaks. Vacuum suction was used because it was so urgent that he be born right away. I was so terrified! It felt truly surreal. But in the end, all was okay, and my little Bug was born healthy and beautiful after just 30 minutes of pushing. I suffered numerous tears because of the speed at which he was delivered (things weren't given a chance to stretch out), but obviously that was totally worth it.<br /><br />I have a baby. He made it out alive and well. I still can't quite believe it. :)<br /><br />I'm not going to lie, the past two weeks have been very difficult. I had problems breastfeeding which were eventually resolved by use of a shield, Bug refuses to sleep lying down AT ALL, ever, and he is a bit colicky (he may have reflux). We are in survival mode, and functioning on less than 2 hours of sleep per day. I may do a post about this later. Through it all though I have not lost sight of just how blessed I am. I love him so, so, so much. I didn't know it was possible to feel such love before I met him. What I thought was "love" before cant even compare.<br /><br />On that note, I have a diaper to change. I actually love doing that, because I get to play with his little toes when I do. He hates it. Lol<br /><br />Anyway....more later. When I find a way to get a bit more sleep!</span><br />
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KMachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10137791310345907124noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240647148980519888.post-35746666171742948972013-03-10T12:27:00.000-07:002013-03-10T12:39:44.889-07:00Any Time Now!<div style="text-align: justify;">
I am so ready to meet this little man! </div>
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Don't get me wrong, he can take all the time he needs - I am not in a rush to push him out before he is ready. I'm not doing anything to try to induce labour. I'm just becoming very, very excited at this point. My due date is 11 days away! </div>
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I was 50% effaced at my appointment on Friday, but "not very" dilated. My OB did say that he is down extremely low, and that she could feel his head. In her words, "he's ready to come out." It's just a matter of time. :)</div>
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We are almost ready now too. We are <em>almost </em>unpacked, and the nursery is <em>almost</em> finished. We don't have paintings or photos up yet, either in the nursery, or the rest of the home. We are still waiting for the wall art for the baby's room to be delivered, so there is not much we can do there. While it would have been nice to have one of those picture-perfect nurseries waiting for him before he arrives, I'm sure he won't notice, or mind. He will be sleeping in our room for the first few months anyway.</div>
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Even though the room is not quite ready, I thought I would post a few photos of the things that are in place. I'll post photos of the complete nursery when the final touches (wall art, curtains, etc) have been added.</div>
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First, here is a before shot. My husband and I spent <em>hours </em>staring at those samples, and made no less than three runs out for more over the course of a weekend. Everything looked green for some reason! We had 10 samples up on the wall before we were finally able to make a decision.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzMWyY85tEXRn_gFoYuEHZER7lFG7PE1fkW9Px_bvoCPcetzhp9ScO2fqGaSu-T0L5xk8CGYsYeCQuzE4Kapv3gPNDTI0vyYKbruen93NBAZYyVW9zo_OT48pq02vuS5Uc16H5zGWHTowx/s1600/before.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzMWyY85tEXRn_gFoYuEHZER7lFG7PE1fkW9Px_bvoCPcetzhp9ScO2fqGaSu-T0L5xk8CGYsYeCQuzE4Kapv3gPNDTI0vyYKbruen93NBAZYyVW9zo_OT48pq02vuS5Uc16H5zGWHTowx/s320/before.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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Here is the crib - I love the bedding!<br />
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This is one of two dressers, which were purchased by my mother-in-law when she was pregnant with my husband. They were in his bedroom until he was a teenager. They were understandably a bit beaten up, and a really ugly shade of light brown - she had them refinished for us, to match his crib. This photo really doesn't capture how beautiful they are! They are solid wood, and the grains in the wood are just stunning with the finish, which has a hint of cherry to it. Anyway, here is one of them:</div>
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And finally, here is the <a href="http://www.dutailier.com/juvenile/produits/?id=174&mod=301&ser=126&fi1=15&tis=6060&col=1" target="_blank">glider</a>. It was ridiculously expensive, but so comfortable and hopefully, totally worth it. I love that it doesn't look like a glider or rocker, and that it has a locking mechanism (safer for our cats). It will also recline flat, with a foot rest that pops out. We plan to move it into the living area once it has served its purpose in the nursery. <br />
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That is pretty much what we have done in the nursery so far. I know that it doesn't look like much yet, but I think it will come together nicely. I also think that we have made pretty good progress, given that we just moved in in January!</div>
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Now it is really just a matter of waiting for Bug to make his debut. :)<br />
<br />KMachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10137791310345907124noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240647148980519888.post-75714769020186434182013-03-06T13:00:00.000-08:002013-03-06T13:01:05.532-08:0038 Weeks! Holy Cow.<div style="text-align: justify;">
Well, as of tomorrow anyway! I seriously can't believe that I have made it this far, and that I am about to have a baby!</div>
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He seems rather anxious to make his debut. I haven't had an internal yet, but I did have a NST yesterday as a result of his heart rate being very elevated during an ultrasound (he was moving like crazy). The nurse asked me several times, "Are you sure you can't feel that?" I couldn't feel a thing, but apparenty I was having contractions. Mild, for sure, and nothing to indicate that I was (or was about to be) in actual labour. Still, contractions! </div>
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Knowing that made this all seem very real. </div>
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I am also told that he has moved down very low. It often feels as if he is literally digging at my cervix. </div>
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He could decide to join us at any time! </div>
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I am ready to meet him. :) I mean, I'm not <em>ready</em> - the nursery isn't done, we still haven't finished unpacking - but I am ready in every way that really matters. The important items are in place - ie. the crib, bassinet, diapers, wipes, etc. We will be able to feed him, soothe him, bathe him, and put him down to sleep safely and comfortably. The rest is just details.</div>
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And I am ready to be a mother! </div>
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Actually, that statement is totally misleading. <em>I already</em> <em>am a mother</em>. I have been since I first learned that a little life was growing inside me last year - our angel baby. I have been a mother to this little Bug since he was conceived. </div>
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What I really mean to say then, is that I am ready to meet my son. :)</div>
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KMachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10137791310345907124noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240647148980519888.post-89628536896506676742013-02-20T11:55:00.001-08:002013-02-20T11:55:50.937-08:00Still here!<br />
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It has been quite a while since I posted an update - I apologize for that! Things have just gotten so crazy, I haven't had much time to reflect. Given that it has been a month and a half since my last post, I figured that I would force myself to sit down and put something together. So, here is my update...</div>
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We moved in January, which made for a pretty crazy month. Note to self: do not move at 6 months pregnant ever.again.!. It was seriously not a great decision on our part. I wasn't able to help much (other than with some packing), and my poor (and amazing) husband did most of it. We are very lucky to have a great set of friends, many of whom showed up on moving day to help us as well. It is amazing how much stuff you can accumulate after living with someone for almost 10 years! In any event, we did it, and are now still in the process of unpacking. Most of my restrictions have been lifted, so I can help more now, which is great. It is still slow-going, but we will get there.</div>
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The nursery however, is another story. Nothing is done. Nada. Zilch. It has not even been painted. That is starting to stress me out, with 4 weeks to go until our little guy's anticipated debut. I feel like it should be picture perfect and ready to go now. We have most of the stuff purchased and/or en route, so it is really just a matter of painting and getting everything together once it gets here. My husband has promised to tackle it this week. The man really has been a saint through all of this.</div>
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I have been off work for almost two weeks now, at my doctor's insistence. My fluid was low during a a growth scan a few weeks ago. Given the history of this pregnancy and the fact that I am still spotting consistenty, my doctor decided that I should stop working at 34 weeks. I'm not complaining! I am very fortunate to have a great short term disability insurance policy, such that I am still getting paid a decent portion of my salary while I am off. I can certainly use the time to get things together.</div>
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I am being monitored very closely now, with weekly ultrasounds, weekly appointments with my OB (which I think is normal at this point anyway?) and a high risk specialist who is overseeing the pregnancy via my OB. As usual, Samuel is doing extremely well, in spite of all of the complications and issues that have arisen through the course of this pregnancy. He continues to measure ahead, but his lead is shrinking, which I am told is normal and healthy. He was in the 60th percentile last week. The ultrasound techs always comment on how much hair he appears to have. :) I love seeing him every week, and am extremely grateful for the extra reassurance that this level of scrutinty and monitoring provides.</div>
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As for me, I am feeling great. I have the usual third trimester discomforts, including exhaustion, sore feet and back, heartburn, etc. You will never hear me complaining about any of it though! I am just so, so thankful to be pregnant with this baby boy, and to have made it this far. I can't believe that we will get to meet him in less than a month!! Just the thought makes me smile, every time!</div>
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Now if I can just get the nursery ready in time..... :)</div>
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KMachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10137791310345907124noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240647148980519888.post-19254196396085361952013-01-01T07:53:00.003-08:002013-01-01T08:16:27.845-08:00Reflecting on 2012<div style="text-align: justify;">
I do not generally revere New Years Eve or New Years day, mostly because I have never really been able to grasp what is so special about it, other than it being another excuse to celebrate and do something special with friends and loved ones. In my view, a new year starts every single day - every single second, in fact. In that sense, New Years is no different from any other day of the year, except that it marks the end (and beginning) of the calendar year.</div>
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That said, I do sometimes take the opportunity on New Years to reflect on the past 12 months, and to give some thought to how I want or anticipate the next 12 months to go. I did just that last year, on January 1, 2012. In retrospect, it is amazing how wrong I was. 2012 was nothing like we had expected.</div>
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I started 2012 full of hope, and plans. We had been trying to conceive since September 2011, and did not yet know that we had been successful in creating a little life together in December. Dreaming about starting our family was therefore my focus last New Years. I knew nothing about miscarriage or fertility problems (other than that I suspected that I had low progesterone), and gave no thought whatsoever to the possibility that once I became pregnant, there might be any outcome other than a bouncing baby in my arms nine months later.</div>
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I also began 2012 somewhat resigned to the fact that I would be "stuck" in my then-current job forever. I was a commercial litigator at the time. While I loved (and still love) law from an academic perspective, I had come to realize over the course of my 6 year career that a private litigation practice did not make me happy. In fact, in some ways, I hated it. It was however all that I was trained to do. After 7 years of school and tens of thousands of dollars in student loans, I felt trapped. When we decided to start our family, I knew at that point that the time for making a drastic career change had passed. We needed the stability and financial security that my position provided. We could not afford to forgo my salary while I went back to school. While I was willing to accept a salary cut in exchange for happiness, I had not yet found an alternate position or career opportunity that I felt would provide that trade off. I had therefore accepted that I would return to my position as a litigator after taking no more than a few months of maternity leave following the birth of our first child.</div>
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As I said, 2012 turned out very differently than I had expected. </div>
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In January 2012, we found out that I was pregnant. We were shocked, as I had experienced what I thought was my period in December, in that I bled for a week, right on schedule. As we tried again in what we thought was a new cycle in January, we could not figure out why I was not ovulating "on schedule", despite the fact that I continued to get postive ovulation test readings every day. I started to bleed/spot after sex, which had become painful because my breasts literally felt like they were going to fall off. So, against all logic, I took a test. As I said, we were shocked to see two pink lines. Shocked, and absolutely elated.</div>
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Sadly though, the spotting continued. I had several ultrasounds, where I saw our seemingly normal and healthy child, with a strong heartbeat each time. There was no explanation for the bleeding; all we could do was hope and pray. It was not enough. We said goodbye to our angel baby in our home in late January, 2012. </div>
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I had thought that I had experienced pain and loss in my life before last year, and that I understood what it meant to have your heart broken. I was wrong. Nothing compared or can compare to the loss of a child, even when that child is still the size of a raspberry, growing inside you. My entire world fell apart. My heart was literally broken.</div>
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Several days later, I received an email from a company that I had applied for a job with the previous August. To say that it was my dream job is not an exageration. I had coveted the position for years, however, there had been no openings for a long time. I still checked their website weekly, and when I saw the posting, I could not get my resume out quickly enough. I went through the interview process, but had heard nothing from them for many weeks. I had assumed and accepted that the job had gone to someone else. Again, I was wrong. Just days after losing our first child, I was offered my dream job - and the opportunity to escape a life that I had felt forced to accept. It was such a bittersweet time. I do believe though that that opportunity ultimately did help me heal (or hide) from the pain of our loss.</div>
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Given that I was starting a new job, and not just any job, but THE job, we decided to put trying to conceive on hold for a few months while I settled in. I also needed that time to mourn my first baby. I was just not ready to try again so quickly.</div>
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In the interim, we underwent fertility testing at the insistence of my doctor, who refused to deal with the progesterone deficiency without first running a full battery of tests. The news was not good (although I certainly recognize that it could have been worse). As I suspected, I was diagnosed with low progesterone. I was also diagnosed with low ovarian reserve. My husband had very low sperm motility, and a varicoscele. </div>
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We decided that in the circumstances, we couldn't wait any longer. We therefore began trying again with the assistance of our fertility clinic, including one monitored natural cycle, one unmedicated IUI, and one cycle of Gonal-f. That last cycle gave us our BFP.</div>
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As you know from reading this blog, our second pregnancy did not go smoothly. We had our second miscarriage early on, when we lost Bug's twin. The hematoma and constant bleeding thereafter resulted in this pregnancy being by far the most difficult experience of my life. To be falling ever more deeply in love with this child inside you, all the while knowing that you had a strong chance of losing him at any time....well, that was tough. </div>
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So here I sit again, reflecting on the last 12 months, and giving some thought to the future. In the end, while 2012 brought more heartache than I could ever have anticipated, it also brought great joy, and good fortune. We are so very blessed that through our love for each other (and with a little medical help), we were able to create yet another prescious life, who has thrived despite all odds. Our relationship with each other has also grown stronger, as we faced the loss of two babies and the ever-present threat of losing Bug together. The fact that I was lucky enough to finally find happiness and fulfillment in my career is an added and very meaningful bonus.</div>
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As for looking ahead to 2013, well, I have I have very high hopes. While I know that life can turn out very differently than you anticipate, I refuse to enter this year with anything but hope, faith and optimism. I can't wait to meet our son, and to begin this new chapter in our lives together, as a family.</div>
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KMachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10137791310345907124noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240647148980519888.post-29667934669520597882012-12-28T14:34:00.001-08:002012-12-28T14:34:43.474-08:0028 Weeks!<div style="text-align: justify;">
I made it to the third trimester! :) </div>
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I am 28 weeks, 1 day today. </div>
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Overall, I feel great, although my "symptoms" are definitely increasing in severity / annoyance level as I get further along. I have a lot of heartburn, nasal congestion like you wouldn't believe (yup, this is normal), and back pain when I stand too long. My energy levels are decreasing. I also have pain in the front of my belly, by my belly button. My appendix ruptured when I was a teenager, and so I have a very large scar that spans my entire midsection (vertically). Apparently, it is causing my stomach muscles to separate as my belly grows. Awesome, right? It hurts, a lot. </div>
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Seriously though, symptoms aside, I am so, so, so amazingly happy right now! I can't believe that Bug and I have made it this far. I feel very blessed, and am extremely grateful for every day that he stays in there, moving about and growing inside me. I am still reeling from the fact that this might end up being a normal pregnancy. I was always hopeful, but that hope was often overshadowed by fear. It is so amazing to be able to just enjoy being pregnant, like everyone else. :)</div>
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It is good that most of my activity restrictions have now been lifted, as life has become very busy as of late! We are moving in just over a week, as we need an extra bedroom to accommodate the little man. I have been packing very slowly, doing a few boxes a day. To be honest, it has been hard - my energy levels have plummeted, so even doing a little bit a day has been exhausting. My blood pressure is apparently very low right now, so that might have something to do with that as well. Anyway, I am taking it as easy as I can in the circumstances, and am trying to be very careful to not overdo it. I obviously won't have any part in the actual move. </div>
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I am so excited to start decorating Bug's nursery. :) It is going to be where the master should be, so it will be huge, with a private bath and walk-in closet. I don't even know what to do with all of that space! I have been holding off on buying all but a few big ticket items until we are in the new place, but I have many of them picked out. I am in love with this monkey rug from <a href="http://www.potterybarnkids.com/products/monkey-rug/?pkey=e%7Cmonkey%2Brug%7C1%7Cbest%7C0%7C1%7C24%7C%7C1&cm_src=PRODUCTSEARCH||NoFacet-_-NoFacet-_-NoMerchRules-_-" target="_blank">Pottery Barn</a>:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSKaoTBrbMya2lVIPz7JoB7Bdxe9zrjWk1_xcRC9tbNbFOhmZFV0R0itNfS5Whgg9KWTjnFCZTgKT41px1ItlSfMndWPS3baoO7IQLhhztfiYH4mQQeLJzuwXux9FTClX1PSNbf18IWH-E/s1600/monkey+rug.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="282" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSKaoTBrbMya2lVIPz7JoB7Bdxe9zrjWk1_xcRC9tbNbFOhmZFV0R0itNfS5Whgg9KWTjnFCZTgKT41px1ItlSfMndWPS3baoO7IQLhhztfiYH4mQQeLJzuwXux9FTClX1PSNbf18IWH-E/s320/monkey+rug.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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We have also decided on this rocker and ottoman in chocolate brown, also from Pottery Barn:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgL5sYNYQtVIMTFDSZrRIhNTpYuDeO6UDXH8y4EHcztQNY88Io34yVgXfG6dw6uVF95asyxPQ9wTJwsp5ZJdtE33UYBg__QnYl_F584E4H7Zq9DsiTCViOP1IqNhVi1sK44COxYNT6g93hu/s1600/chair+1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgL5sYNYQtVIMTFDSZrRIhNTpYuDeO6UDXH8y4EHcztQNY88Io34yVgXfG6dw6uVF95asyxPQ9wTJwsp5ZJdtE33UYBg__QnYl_F584E4H7Zq9DsiTCViOP1IqNhVi1sK44COxYNT6g93hu/s1600/chair+1.JPG" /></a></div>
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The rocker converts to a regular chair, which will enable us to move it into our living space after it has served its purpose in the nursery. Knowing this makes the price a <em>bit </em>easier to swallow. </div>
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We have also purchased the crib, and the stroller (<a href="http://www.uppababy.com/products/product.php?id=210" target="_blank">Uppababy Cruz</a>). Still though, there is so much left to do! I can't believe that I am due in less than three months. And to think, we will have to unpack and set up our new home in the interim, as well as make sure that we are ready for Bug's arrival. Just the thought makes me tired. :)</div>
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On that note, I am off to do some more packing! With a huge smile on my face. :)</div>
KMachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10137791310345907124noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240647148980519888.post-7392550772058217002012-12-08T09:43:00.002-08:002012-12-08T09:48:38.494-08:00Yup, Normal! And Baby Shoes. :)<div style="text-align: justify;">
So my OB called me at work yesterday. She actually sounded pretty excited. She said that she had just received my ultrasound report from Tuesday, and wanted me to know right away that my ultrasound was indeed 100% normal! My placenta no longer looks abnormally thick, and there is no hematoma. Samuel is measuring in the 68th percentile, and weighs approximately 800 grams (that's about 1.76 lbs).</div>
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For the first time in this entire pregnancy, there actually doesn't seem to be anything wrong or unusual. I am normal. Sam is normal. :)</div>
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I am so freaking happy!!!</div>
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I am still spotting everyday, and that sucks. Given our history, it is hard not to worry, at least a little bit. My OB swears though that there is no explanation for the bleeding, so it must be my cervix. I won't let her do a cervical exam to check (she doesn't recommend it anyway), so I will just have to take it on faith that she is right. Some women do spot through their entire pregnancy - I guess I may be one of the few that do so. Lucky me.</div>
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But, back to being super happy!!! :)</div>
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Between this amazing news and reaching viability, I have garnered enough confidence to start doing some shopping. My first purchase was an adorable pair of shoes. Not practical, since he won't need shoes at that point, but they are just so tiny and precious, I couldn't resist:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_978U6de68l5jS-iHfRhxyclVOF2YIUUI6qeiBywrcVph_MEiriHcxfWQfux3xC_q0OfDTj5ZswaFcW1neEjCnVsTn5_5yVOTF08iPEfvU7fhQLQkzwz2D3VcJKzV7VvRm_33yZ-9MAml/s1600/shoes2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_978U6de68l5jS-iHfRhxyclVOF2YIUUI6qeiBywrcVph_MEiriHcxfWQfux3xC_q0OfDTj5ZswaFcW1neEjCnVsTn5_5yVOTF08iPEfvU7fhQLQkzwz2D3VcJKzV7VvRm_33yZ-9MAml/s320/shoes2.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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I've also bought a few sleepers, and an adorable little pair of (equally impractical) jeans. </div>
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I am in the process of setting up a registry, which to be honest is much more overwhelming and difficult than I thought it would be. There are so many options, and so many different opinions and reviews on what is necessary, what is a waste of money or space, what works, and even what is or is not safe. I am getting through it slowly though, mostly to satisfy my mother in law. </div>
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Oh, and don't even get me started on how challenging it was to choose the right stroller! I *think* I've decided on the Uppababy Cruz. Still mulling it around a bit before I make the purchase though.</div>
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To be clear, I am definitely not complaining! I feel so, so blessed to still be carrying my little boy inside me right now. I honestly didn't think that I would make it past the first trimester, let alone to viability, and an actual diagnosis of "normal." When I think about it, I can't stop smiling. :)</div>
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KMachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10137791310345907124noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240647148980519888.post-25876153552191383022012-12-04T17:16:00.000-08:002012-12-04T17:17:06.913-08:0024 Weeks, 5 Days - Normal??<div align="justify">
I had another ultrasound today, with the high risk doctor. I didn't actually get to see the doctor today, but did luck out with two very chatty ultrasound techs. Well, I think one was a medical resident, which is probably why the other was so verbal about what she saw. Anyway, the end result was definitely to my benefit! This is all subject to what my actual OB has to say when I see her late next week, but for now...</div>
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...everything looks normal! </div>
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The tech and resident agreed that my placenta wasn't really thick, it just looked that way because of how it was positioned (something about it being both fundal and left lateral). The tech said "it might be a little thick", but in her (admittedly non-doctor) view, it was nothing to worry about.</div>
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There was no hematoma.</div>
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I am still spotting...that has been ongoing for just over 20 weeks now. It is very, very light. My OB believes that it is my cervix. Maybe she is right.</div>
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Bug still looks perfect by the way, and is measuring in the 60th percentile. Here he is:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-cg4Lni_UhxJS-nT2fF1kvREMdof5wFU9HSYI8WR2BchSPqBC4NMUc7uwADiNsE4-tbU3HuuuCdw_bJr7U2HxxU3eLufvEj_5hbE-0Fjv_vUc5Xm30UiqPwyJCZBVVsC-gKnnODv41JTx/s1600/24weeks5days+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-cg4Lni_UhxJS-nT2fF1kvREMdof5wFU9HSYI8WR2BchSPqBC4NMUc7uwADiNsE4-tbU3HuuuCdw_bJr7U2HxxU3eLufvEj_5hbE-0Fjv_vUc5Xm30UiqPwyJCZBVVsC-gKnnODv41JTx/s320/24weeks5days+copy.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Isn't he beautiful? :)<br />
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I am so, so incredibly happy. I know that the tech and resident aren't doctors, and that everything they said is subject to what my doctor has to say when I see her. But for now, I am not going to question the good news I received today. I have spent enough time being scared or sad this pregnancy - I'm due for some happy and excited. And I'm taking it. :)</div>
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KMachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10137791310345907124noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240647148980519888.post-82341889885393274522012-11-29T15:41:00.004-08:002012-11-29T15:42:22.133-08:00Viability!Today is V-Day!!!!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3Ix_QS3imaNW1W0Zqu9Kz4cdCKgyrkQqmumJD41bf4Fgc3wWca02jfDUfJG5DNfAUslCv8kxf3hyphenhyphenm1hW0CXwz0BhCrEJ56KHv-XQeHI-_6ZKToGDOiipgxJ9ulErUl2Lnwyo0tc2cjufl/s1600/excited-child.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3Ix_QS3imaNW1W0Zqu9Kz4cdCKgyrkQqmumJD41bf4Fgc3wWca02jfDUfJG5DNfAUslCv8kxf3hyphenhyphenm1hW0CXwz0BhCrEJ56KHv-XQeHI-_6ZKToGDOiipgxJ9ulErUl2Lnwyo0tc2cjufl/s1600/excited-child.jpg" /></a></div>
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Finally!!</div>
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I have been waiting for this day for months. </div>
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As of today, the medical profession officially cares about Bug, and will try to save him if things go wrong. He is also now capable of surviving outside the womb if he is delivered early.</div>
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I know that I am not out of the woods yet, but still, to have reached this milestone is SUCH a huge relief! :)</div>
KMachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10137791310345907124noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240647148980519888.post-56682445211054444502012-11-10T11:19:00.000-08:002012-11-10T11:36:10.661-08:00High Risk Consult<div style="text-align: justify;">
I was referred to a high risk specialist this week for a consult. Finally! I had been waitng for that referral for quite a while. I am in Canada, so I cannot just book an appointment with a peri - I had to wait until my OB felt that it was justified. She wanted to wait until 20 weeks. This, by the way, is one of my biggest pet peeves ever - that so many doctors do not seem to take a pregnancy or any possible complications in a pregnancy seriously until you hit that magical 20 week mark. Even then, most are not willing to intervene or try to save a pregnancy until viability (24 weeks). It drives me <i>nuts</i>. I mean, it seems to me that the fact that the baby will not make it if he is born that early should be all the more reason to try to prevent early delivery. Anyway, moving on...</div>
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I saw the high risk doctor yesterday. There is both good news, and confusing-potentially-concerning news.<br />
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The good news is, the hematoma is gone. Yay, right?! </div>
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But wait a minute....so why am I still bleeding then? And why do I still have these cramps everyday? </div>
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I saw the high risk doctor for all of thirty seconds after the ultrasound. He told me the good news, and then said, "But, your placenta is unusual." What does that mean, I asked? "It is unusually thick. That could be why you are still bleeding." Again I asked, what does that mean? He then said I should speak to my OB. Great. Thanks.</div>
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I called my OB's office and explained what happened, and asked to make an appointment. My OB called me back personally within 10 minutes. She was able to access the ultrasound report, and explained that she was "not concerned." The baby is fine, the hematoma is gone. My placenta was normal on all other ultrasounds. She made it sound as if its thickness is just on the high end of normal. She will give me another ultrasound, but said that I am now "low risk". </div>
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So why am I still bleeding??????</div>
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According to my OB, it might just be my cervix. <br />
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So I am left with two different opinions from two different doctors. One who I trust very much, but who is not herself a specialist, and who has not yet read the specialist's report. Another who is a specialist, but who gave me very little in the way of meaningful interpretation, or any indication of a prognosis.</div>
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So, being the person I am, I could not stop myself from googling, BIG mistake. Apparently, a thick placenta is a sign of many scary things, most notably placenta abruption. The exact thing I have been worried about for months. Bleeding is of course also a sign of that, and so are these cramps. The hematoma itself could have been caused by it. Obviously not a full abruption, but perhaps a partial one. Apparently, they are not easy to see on ultrasounds unless there is a large retroplacental hemorrhage. Otherwise, it may present only as an unusually thick placenta. Great.</div>
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I have another appointment with my OB in a few weeks, at which point she should actually have the high risk doctor's report (which will presumably contain an explanation for why he thinks the thick placenta was concerning, and that he suspects that it might be the cause of the bleeding). I will have another ultrasound at that point, and we will go from there. In the meantime, I am going to try to listen to my OB on this one, and not worry too much or freak out (I swear). Bug is still with me, and doing great. I feel him everyday now. We both love him so much already. </div>
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KMachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10137791310345907124noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240647148980519888.post-5911164022256231582012-11-03T08:40:00.001-07:002012-11-03T08:40:44.785-07:00Liebster Blog Award<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i590.photobucket.com/albums/ss348/Evalynne139/liebster-blog-button-pic.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://i590.photobucket.com/albums/ss348/Evalynne139/liebster-blog-button-pic.png" /></a></div>
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I’ve been nominated for a Liebster Blog Award by Olivia at <a href="http://theinfertilitymountain.blogspot.ca/" target="_blank">Two Steps Forward, One Step Back</a>! The award is intended for up-and-coming bloggers who have less than 200 followers. Once nominated, you have to answer 11 questions about yourself from the person who nominated you, and then nominate a few of your fellow bloggers and pose your own set of questions to them. It’s all about networking for smaller blogs.</div>
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Here are my responses to Olivia's questions:</div>
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<strong>1. Are you a left brain or right brain kind of person? So more creative or more logical?</strong> I would definitely charactize myself as being more creative than logical by nature. However, my profession is one which is based on logic, so it has become a much larger part of my thought process and personality as a result.</div>
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<strong>2. McDonalds or Burger King? </strong>McDonalds burgers, Burger King fries! </div>
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<strong>3. What is a peculiar trait about your significant other?</strong> He is a little obsessed with being prepared for emergencies and disasters. He spent months driving all over the city finding supplies for our emergency "grab bags" - ie. bags which we grab as we run out the door if there is an emergency or disaster. And we have a LOT of canned soup, bottled water, protein bars, etc. Now he just has to figure out how we will be mobile on foot with three cats and a (soon-to-be) baby. :)</div>
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<strong>4. What is your favorite movie and why? </strong>I have to admit that it is probably Dirty Dancing. No reason other than that it is uplifting and fun to watch, even over and over again.</div>
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<strong>5. Do you like to read the news or the entertainment section?</strong> I am definitely a news kind of girl. I read the paper online everyday while I eat lunch, and watch the news most evenings as well.</div>
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<strong>6. If there were no limitations (like money, time, etc.) what would you love to do?</strong> If there really were no limitations and funding were not an issue, I'd love to run a large non-profit animal rescue centre and sanctuary.</div>
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<strong>7. Your top career choice again if you could do anything?</strong> Assuming that there ARE limits and funding issues for this question, I am honestly doing what I want to do now. I am a lawyer working in-house for a great company whose mission or reason for being is one that I believe in. I love my job.</div>
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<strong>8. Favorite place in the world?</strong> Cinque Terre (on the Italian Coast). Think Amalfi Coast, but less touristy and crowded.</div>
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<strong>9. Lipstick or chapstick?</strong> Lip gloss. I am addicted and have been for years. I have at least 7-10 tubes/pots of gloss on the go at any time, spread out between different purses, and different places around home. It drives my husband nuts!</div>
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<strong>10. Yogurt or Ice cream?</strong> Ice cream for sure! The kind with little pieces of chocolate bar in it....mmmmm. :)</div>
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<strong>11. Give an unusual fact about yourself...</strong> I am a huge animal lover, and volunteer a lot of my time with feral cat rescue groups, feeding homeless animals and assisting with trap-neuter-return efforts. That's not exactly unusual I guess, but it's all I could come up with. :)</div>
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And now for my list of nominees!</div>
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1. Amanda at <a href="http://thecelises.blogspot.ca/" target="_blank">Waiting for Watermelon</a>;</div>
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2. Kristy Kay at <a href="http://kristykay123.blogspot.ca/" target="_blank">Strength, Hope and Everything In Between</a>;</div>
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3. Jess at <a href="http://tryingforourrainbow.blogspot.ca/" target="_blank">Faithfully</a>;</div>
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4. Megan at One <a href="http://oneemerald.blogspot.ca/" target="_blank">Emerald</a>;</div>
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5. Kelly at <a href="http://anywaybutscrambled.blogspot.ca/" target="_blank">Any Way but Scrambled</a>;</div>
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6. Heather at <a href="http://alittlehopeinmypocket.blogspot.ca/" target="_blank">A Little Hope in my Pocket</a>;</div>
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7. <a href="http://kourgrowinggardunn.blogspot.ca/" target="_blank">Our Growing Gardunn</a>; and</div>
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8. Emily at <a href="http://www.the5parkers.com/2012_08_01_archive.html" target="_blank">the5parkers</a>.</div>
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These are all women whose blogs I read regularly, and whose stories are both moving and inspiring. I encourage you to head over and check out their blogs, as well as that of Olivia at <a href="http://theinfertilitymountain.blogspot.ca/" target="_blank">Two Steps Forward, One Step Back</a>. </div>
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And here are my questions:</div>
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1. Who is your hero, and why?</div>
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2. If you won the lottery, what is the first or most important thing that you would spend the money on?</div>
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3. Do you believe in soul mates?</div>
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4. What is your favourite food?</div>
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5. If there were no limitations and money were not an issue, what would you most want to do with your life?</div>
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6. If you could go back in time and tell our teenage self one thing, what would it be?</div>
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7. If you were a character on a TV show, which one would you be?</div>
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8. Name one thing you are most proud of?</div>
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9. What is your favorite charity or cause?</div>
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10. What are three words that describe you best?</div>
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11. When was the last time you did something for the first time, and what was it?</div>
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Have fun if you choose to participate ladies, and thank you again Olivia!</div>
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KMachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10137791310345907124noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240647148980519888.post-2308860216225334232012-10-25T15:09:00.000-07:002012-12-04T17:24:23.553-08:0019 Weeks & Anatomy Scan<div style="text-align: justify;">
I am 19 weeks pregnant today - I can't believe I am almost halfway there! </div>
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I had my anatomy scan this week, and the great news is that Bug is looking perfectly perfect. :) He is still measuring days ahead, and has all his fingers and toes. And when I say "he", I now actually mean "he", as in we now know that he is actually a boy! To say that my husband is elated is an understatement. I am thrilled as well, but I would have been equally excited had Bug been a girl - I had no preference. But now that I know that I am expecting a little man, I am really becoming excited about that fact. :). </div>
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Without further ado, here is our little boy at 19 weeks:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggqtkzscICqKYwiTUp-tGA8vUnV-DyxVhJSBh2SxmsODe3HLSNlIt04p47EeJtdgfxH7g4hHUhbmv9GbRm5cm1bLiE44N6BAznjyBG4-VyAKgAZVVic4dFbxQnnmXu412sfy1mW1ugzvxd/s1600/18weeks5days1+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggqtkzscICqKYwiTUp-tGA8vUnV-DyxVhJSBh2SxmsODe3HLSNlIt04p47EeJtdgfxH7g4hHUhbmv9GbRm5cm1bLiE44N6BAznjyBG4-VyAKgAZVVic4dFbxQnnmXu412sfy1mW1ugzvxd/s320/18weeks5days1+copy.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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And here are his toes, because they are so cute:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxDs4Rr8BS4M2GyfHIMSa_BdsQHPYv-Yvm_FVZW2YGkQhJzvwzRG8nYO0tGS2cns73xUWbqTUMzjqZvoxMS78Fjg_uL6hQhYjIVtLEx5G0681n9vaPx4DC0CJZ-sJhT4UEZLNQIDbQ_d9F/s1600/18weeks5days2+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxDs4Rr8BS4M2GyfHIMSa_BdsQHPYv-Yvm_FVZW2YGkQhJzvwzRG8nYO0tGS2cns73xUWbqTUMzjqZvoxMS78Fjg_uL6hQhYjIVtLEx5G0681n9vaPx4DC0CJZ-sJhT4UEZLNQIDbQ_d9F/s320/18weeks5days2+copy.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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There is absolutely no indication that he is anything but healthy, and growing at an appropriate rate. My doctor has therefore now given me a 98% chance of having a successful pregnancy! In her words, she would be "shocked" if I lose him. :). Wow, right? </div>
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Now you may be wondering, what about the hematoma? Well, I actually don't have an answer for you. When the scan was done I asked the tech if she measured it. Her response was to say "well, that should have resolved by now." I know the techs aren't supposed to give us details about the results, so I asked her if she had seen it, would she have measured it? Her response - "oh yes, absolutely!" So.... I leave the hospital, and open the report (which is in a sealed envelope and intended for my doctor, but whatever, she knows I do it). No reference to the hematoma at all! </div>
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So now I wonder, did she actually look for it and not find it? Or did she not see it because she was not looking for it? </div>
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I told my doctor what happened, and she agrees that it is not definitive enough. She suspects that it is probably still there, and wants me to continue acting as if it is. I see her again in two weeks. Notwithstanding that she suspects that the hematoma is still there, she would not order another ultrasound. I think she wants me to stop worrying so much, and focus on the fact that the baby is doing so well. I get that, but I really feel like I NEED to know what's going on in there! Our compromise was to revisit the issue at our next appointment.<br />
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So, I am left with no information regarding the damned thing. I am spotting again, and still cramping, so I am pretty sure it must still be lurking in there somewhere. Regardless though, I do have the most important information - that Bug is healthy and strong, and that there continues to be no evidence whatsoever that the hematoma is interfering with the pregnancy or his growth. When you think about it, that is all that really matters.</div>
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So, I will try to take my doctor's advice. I mean really, 98% odds are pretty good, right? That's pretty close to what everyone else has at this point I think. <br />
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Tomorrow, I start shopping! :)KMachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10137791310345907124noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240647148980519888.post-7654724757517078812012-10-21T11:15:00.000-07:002012-10-21T11:18:43.866-07:00First Real Kick! :)<div style="text-align: justify;">
After weeks of feeling "flutters" and little bubbles and wondering whether I was actually feeling Bug, I am pretty sure that I felt an actual kick last night! :) I was lying in bed praying (for Bug, of course), and felt one of those little "I think something just moved inside me but I'm not positive" feelings. I asked out loud, "Is that you, Bug?", and smiled. I then immediately felt a firm "pop" against the inside of my stomach, right where I had felt the maybe-movement a moment before. It felt exactly like something little kicked me from the inside. It was such an amazing feeling! I ran out of the room to tell my husband, I was so excited! We had just been talking about how I was getting a bit nervous about the movement issue when we were out for (our wedding anniversary) dinner earlier that night. He was ecstatic. We said goodnight, and as I was walking away he whispered, "goodnight, Bug". I teared up. That was the first time he has ever spoken to the baby, and the first time he used my pet name for him/her. Overall, it was a great night. I am still on cloud nine about it today. :). I can't wait until the movement becomes consistent, and when my husband can feel him/her move as well. </div>
KMachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10137791310345907124noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240647148980519888.post-54989073125253771092012-10-14T07:15:00.000-07:002012-10-14T07:39:22.418-07:0017 1/2 Weeks - The SCH is Smaller<div style="text-align: justify;">
The SCH is finally shrinking again! It was 2.4 x 2.5 x 0.4 cm as of last Tuesday. While the numbers don't seem much lower, if you calculate the volume, it is actually 75% smaller than it was two weeks earlier! :) I am scared to allow myself to get too excited - after all, the last time it shrunk this much, I had a massive hemorrhage a week later. I am obviously praying that that does not happen again, and that this actually is a sign that the damned thing is finally going away!</div>
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I don't know much about how Bug is doing, except that he is still there, with a very strong heartbeat (160). The ultrasound tech refused to even measure his crown-rump-length because my OB didn't specifically write it down on her requisition. I tried to explain that tracking the baby's growth is an important part of tracking the hematoma (which WAS on the requisition), since knowing whether the baby's growth is being affected provides a strong indication of whether the hematoma is causing problems with the placenta (which it is right beside). She wouldn't budge. So now, while I am trying to tell myself that there is no reason to think that Bug is doing anything other than growing like a weed as he has been, I can't help but wonder and worry. Because you know, I needed something else to worry about with this pregnancy! :S</div>
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Overall though, I am very happy, and increasingly optimistic. I haven't had any real bleeding in weeks, and am barely spotting at this point. My cramps did ease up for a while, but have gotten a bit more persistent these past few days. They did this right before the hematoma became tiny last time though, so maybe it is caused by the hematoma breaking up and resolving? A girl can always hope. :)</div>
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I am definitely showing now, it is kind of crazy actually. We have had no choice but to start coming out, which has been both exciting and terrifying. Our families are ecstatic. :). We have been pretty tight-lipped about the complications, and have only told people about the issue on an ad-needed basis (for example, when I need to explain my absence at a wedding).</div>
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I have to say though that I am actually increasingly scared too, despite the fact that the hematoma seems to (hopefully, maybe) be resolving. I am falling more in love with this little baby every single day! I talk to him/her on a daily basis. I think I can feel movement sometimes, though it's hard to tell for sure. Sometimes it's a fluttery feeling, sometimes I feel like something little rolled over inside me (very strange feeling!), and just yesterday I felt a "pop" against the inside of my belly. Could be in my head - who knows. But regardless, it is making me feel that much more bonded with this little creature. I know that at this point, he can hear my voice, and will recognize it when he is born. How amazing is that? He is sucking his thumb. I have seen him on ultrasound screens 9 or 10 times now, and hear his heartbeat every few days. How can I possibly NOT be absolutely in love with this child, this little human who is growing inside me? I have had losses before, but this one will be different. I can't even fathom how I will make it through losing him. It terrifies me so much that I can't let myself think about it.</div>
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I will try to focus on the good news, and not worry about what might happen tomorrow. Today I am pregnant, and I love my Bug. That is all I need to know.</div>
KMachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10137791310345907124noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240647148980519888.post-57460650946667910312012-09-29T10:23:00.001-07:002012-09-29T10:24:49.219-07:00Snap, Crackle....Pop! :)<br />
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<span id="goog_369712696"></span><span id="goog_369712697"></span>At 15 weeks, I think I actually "popped", rather than just being bloated and looking chubby. :). My stomach is really hard, and grew overnight (it seemed to, anyway). Absolutely nothing fits me anymore, and random people are commenting (seriously, who does that?). </div>
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So, I guess the jig is up, so to speak. We had been hiding the pregnancy longer than we would have otherwise, because of the hematoma. At this point though, I'm not sure we have any choice other than to admit to the obvious, at least when asked. We will be seeing my husband's parents for (Canadian) Thanksgiving next weekend, and there is just no way they won't call us on it anyway, especially when I decline a drink (which I pretty much never do). </div>
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I'm kind of excited thinking about it, as I have dreamt about telling people I am pregnant for more than a year. Still though, I think this will induce more anxiety than anything else. We will not be telling everyone about the complications, because I don't think it is everyone's business, and I just can't handle constantly fielding questions about it and the status of my uterus. So, telling people will for the most part mean that I will have to act nothing but excited and happy about the whole thing, which is hard when I am so terrified. I think we will just start with parents, and see how we feel....and then go from there. </div>
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As for Bug, he is still doing famously, and measuring ahead as usual! Here he is at 14 weeks, 5 days:<br />
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My OB has said that based on what she has seen so far, there is nothing to suggest that he is being affected by the hematoma at all. We still can't tell whether the placenta is affected (ie. torn, lifting), so I remain anxious.</div>
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Apparently, the further along we get, the better our chances are. As of now, my OB says that it is more likely than not that the pregnancy will continue, and everything will be fine. I can only pray that she is right.</div>
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The hematoma measured 3 7 x 3.1 x 0.9 cm on Tuesday. That seems bigger to me, but supposedly the actual volume has decreased slightly. The dimensions are changing though, so who knows what it is doing. I have not been bleeding much since taking a week off, so that is at least encouraging.<br />
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Anyway, I am going to try to embrace this pregnancy now, and not focus so much on the hematoma, and the fear. We'll see how that goes. Next ultrasound is on October 9. </div>
KMachttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10137791310345907124noreply@blogger.com1