Hoping for the Best

Well, the spotting stopped.  It really didn't last very long, just about two days.  It was also actually extremely light, notiwthstanding my initial melodramatic description of it as "bleeding."  It really started tapering off within hours of appearing.  The cramps are still coming and going, but I think they were there last week as well - I can't remember at this point.  They feel just like period cramps.  Anyway, I am trying not to assume the worst, but I am terrified.  I know that either spotting or cramps can be normal, but the two together are rarely a good sign.

I finally convinced my RE to move my viability ultrasound up by a week, to next Thursday, when I will be 7 weeks.  Hopefully, at that point I will see a strong heartbeat, and be told that everything is on track. 

In the interim, I went to the clinic that saw me through my last miscarriage, and had a beta drawn.  It was 12,600.  It had been 4,323 a little less than 5 days prior.  That gives me a doubling time of 75 to 77 hours, depending on how precise I am about what time the tests were taken (75 hours is precise).  I get that this is actually perfectly normal, given how high the betas are (1,200 - 6,000 should double every 72 to 96 hours, >6,000 can take >96 hours).  I still hate that it is not less than 48 hours though, even though I know that it is not expected to be at this point.

But yeah, the apparently normal doubling time is a good sign, and gives me some relief for sure!  With my last miscarriage, falling betas were my first real sign of trouble after spotting.

I'm not doing another beta, because I don't know what the upper limit of normal is at this HCG level, and I think I will probably just stress and worry if it is above 96 hours at all (as it apparently should be).

So now, all I can do is wait for that ultrasound, and hope, and pray. 

I have never prayed so hard for anything in my life.

I mean, everything could be okay.  I did start spotting brown a couple of days after an extremely invasive and uncomfortable internal ultrasound (seriously, she had it at like 90 degree angles at times).  That is normal, right?  And so are the cramps...right?  It could be okay.  Maybe, just maybe, I won't lose this baby too.

Bleeding :(

I woke up to blood today. :(. It is significantly more than spotting, but not heavy or bright red. I also starting period-like cramps at the exact same time. Damnit! This is exactly how my first miscarriage started. :(.

Cysts!

So I spent a lovely evening in the emergency room last night. 

Ha.  Honesty though, it was hardly enjoyable, but I am so glad that I went, because it really put my mind at ease!  The pain in my lower right hand side has gotten significantly worse over the past couple of days.  I finally decided yesterday afternoon that it was sharp and focused enough that I wanted to make sure that it wasn't ectopic.  After a lovely 10 hours at the hospital, I received the following information:

• there was no evidence of a tubal pregnancy on the ultrasounds;
• my betas had increased by four-fold in the past four days, to 4,323 (perfect); and
•  the doctor could see one gestational & yolk sac in my uterus, measuring at 5 weeks, 2 days (I was 5 weeks, 1 day).

Apparently, I am in pain because my ovaries are full of cysts!  Wonderful. 

I snapped this (blurry) photo of the ultrasound machine when the tech stepped out:

You can see one of my stupidly cystic ovaries in the upper right hand corner.  There are multiple cysts/follicles measuring in the range of of 20 to 27 mm in each ovary.  Not exactly normal for pregnancy, but apparently it can happen when the ovaries are hyper-stimulated with fertility drugs, like say, Gonal-f.    Anyway, I spoke to my RE this morning, and she was unconcerned.  She said they should resolve themselves over the next few weeks, and that other than causing some discomfort, they do not pose any actual risk.  :)

I am definitely relieved!  While I'd prefer not to have freakishly cystic ovaries right now, it is far better than the alternative explanation for that focused pain (i.e. ectopic). 

Also, I managed to get some confirmation that everything is on track in the process.  You can see blurry images of the little Bug in the ultrasound shot above.  No fetal pole yet, but at 5 weeks, 1 day, I understand that is perfectly normal.  He/she is measuring exactly right at this stage, if not a day ahead.

So, now can I relax?  :)  I hope so...! 

Betas!

Today was a great day!  I had my second beta test today, and am elated that it came back at a whopping 979!  :)  It was 135 on Thursday, which gives me a doubling time of 33.59 hours!  This is a fantastic result, and I could not be more pleased, or relieved!  My progesterone was also shockingly high, at 178 nmol/L (which is different from ng/mL).  This is actually the highest level that my RE's lab is capable of measuring. 

My RE is completely unconcerned about my cramps, and has assured me that they are normal. They are so happy with the betas that they are not going to bother doing another draw, and have instead scheduled our next appointment as being our first ultrasound at 8 weeks on August 9.

My husband and I are both so, so, SO happy!  We know that at this point, anything can still happen.  It is still so nice to know that at least as of now, everything is normal for once!

Today is actually also our 9 year dating anniversary, which makes the day extra special.  :)  We are certainly celebrating tonight!

PgAL

I honestly didn't think that I would be this scared.  But, I can't get seem to get my prior loss out of my head now, and I can't stop worrying that the same thing is going to happen again.  See, I have had cramps on and off for a few days.  Nothing severe, but sometimes they are sharp.  I keep trying to tell myself that they are gas pains or something, because they have moved around a little and that seems odd to me.  Today I have consistent, sharp-ish pain on my lower right side.  As much as I really am trying not to worry, it's kind of freaking me out.  I know that cramps can be normal, and I know that they may not be a big deal, especially since I am not spotting.  That said, I just can't seem to stop over-analyzing this and worrying.  *sigh* 

My first beta on Thursday was 135 at 14 DPO.  I am just hoping and praying that my second beta on Monday is where it should be - which is at least around 540.  If so, then I think I will be able to relax a little bit.  Until then, I guess I will just try to keep my mind off of it.  There really is nothing that can be done to prevent a loss at this point anyway - if it going to happen, it is going to happen. 

3 Weeks, 6 Days - Nervous but Excited

I'm still pregnant! 

Ha.  Seriously though, not much to update yet.  I have been taking FRERs every morning, partly to ensure that the line is getting darker, and partly to assure myself that I am indeed still pregnant.  :)  The line has gotten stronger, thankfully.  I also finally worked up the nerve to take a Clearblue digi, and sure enough, its pronouncement of how far along I am correlates precisely with reality (phew!).  Here are the three most recent FRERs, and the digi:

My first beta is tomorrow morning.  Second beta should be Saturday.  I admit, I'm pretty nervous!  I am really struggling with fear and worry at this stage, given my previous loss.  I am so scared that those betas are not going to double the way they should.  Every little twinge in my general abdominal area makes my heart skip a beat.  I am terrified about losing this baby.  I wish that I could reclaim the innocence of pregnancy prior to my miscarriage.  Instead, it is a daily struggle to convince myself not to worry, that chances are that everything will be fine, and that the likelihood that I will miscarry again is low.  I have to be positive.  I have to allow myself to enjoy this, to hope, to get excited.  Afterall, a life is actually growing inside of me right now.  That is pretty amazing.  :)

I'm Pregnant! :))

I'm pregnant!! :)

I am so excited! I took a digital First Response test this morning with FMU, as well as another FRER. Both tests were very clearly positive! The second line on the FRER was darker and more pink than it was yesterday. I am also now getting faint positives on internet cheapies (which by the way, are garbage! They are supposed to be sensitive to 10mui - I call bullshit on that).   What a beautiful way to wake up:

I am beside myself. I had myself convinced that this was not our cycle. In fact, I was becoming increasingly convinced that this whole process was going to take much, much longer than I had thought (I mean really - 4% motility!). I feel so very, very blessed right now! :)

Betas on Thursday and Saturday. Praying for good numbers, and a healthy doubling time!

Please stick, little Bug. I already love you so much.

Evap Line within Test Window?

I don’t know what to think.  I took this test today with FMU at 10DPO.  I definitely see something!  This photograph was taken within the test window, and the “line” is clearly visible in real life.  BUT, when I look closely, I can’t see much color.  I know that evaporation lines can be grayish, and I also know that all pregnancy tests have an “indent” or hint of a line where the test line will show up if it is positive.  I can usually see those if I look really closely.  I do not have to look closely to see this.  But, it doesn’t look pink.  I can’t tell if it’s just an indent.  Help!  I don’t know what to think.  I don’t want to get my hopes up if this is an evap line.

Looking Ahead

I know that this cycle hasn't quite come to an end just yet, but to be honest I am feeling a bit deflated, and not nearly as optimistic as I normally am. I blame it on the progesterone supplements - I really am a hormonal mess on this stuff. Anyway, I have been giving some thought to this whole process. My husband feels pretty strongly that the IUIs are not necessary, and that the sample-giving process is having a detrimental effect on his performance. He is obviously not a doctor, and I am certainly not convinced that he is right. That said, he does have some evidence to back him up. For example, he can point to the "natural" BFP we achieved from our November 2011 cycle, long before we had any reason to suspect that we had any fertility issues beyond my short luteal phase, and suspected progesterone deficiency. That may have simply been a stroke of luck, for surely, his sperm analysis does not suggest that pregnancy should have come so easily to us. The fact that we now also know that he has a varicoscele further supports the inference that his sample-giving difficulties do not tell the whole story.

Regardless, he feels pretty strongly about it, and has suggested several times this month that if this cycle isn't it, then we should consider giving the "old fashioned way" another chance. While I am not convinced that he is right, I think I might still agree to do it his way, just for one cycle. I think that would be enough to appease him. It will also give me a break from cycling, which I admit would be welcome. I reealize that I have not been doing the whole treatment thing for nearly as long as others, but that does not change the fact that it is difficult. This last cycle was my third consecutive month of being monitored (the first was for diagnostic purposes). I am already tired of waking up early and going into that office to be poked and prodded at least 7-12 days per month. My arms seem to be permanently bruised from the needles, and at times I feel like I get more action from the vag cam than I do from my husband. It is also extremely expensive. We have only minimal drug coverage, with an annual limit of just $1,000. My last cycle cost just under $1,600.

Perhaps a compromise would be to forego the IUIs, and thereby avoid the sample-giving hurdle, but still use the Gonal-f, to increase our chances with TI. Hmmm. Something to think about for sure.

I am of course getting ahead of myself again, as usual. I am only 8DPO. Maybe... just maybe.. you never know.