7 Weeks, 2 Days - More Spotting

I woke up to more spotting today. 

It is the first time that I have had any signficant spotting in almost two weeks. 

At first I totally freaked out, of course....but then I realized, this doesn't really change anything.  The possible explanations that my doctor provided for the spotting are still applicable.  In fact, I did have another internal ultrasound two days ago, and the spotting was brown.  This is exactly like the last instance of spotting, which also followed an internal.  I also have the vanishing twin issue, and super cystic ovaries. 

Speaking of ovaries, my right ovary was extremely painful last night actually.  It didn't freak me out, because I knew what it was....but now I am thinking, maybe one of those cysts actually ruptured? 

Anyway, I am not freaking out.  I am NOT.freaking.out. 

There is nothing that I can do about it anyway, if the worst is indeed going to happen. 

I also want to be able to look back on this pregnancy, and know that I loved Bug fully while he was here, inside me.  That I made him feel safe and warm and loved - not surrounded by tension and fear.  I do not want to mourn him while he is still here.  I saw him two days ago, after-all, and his little heart beat was so strong.

So I am going to pick myself up, and go about my day.  I will NOT.freak.out.

PgAL

I honestly didn't think that I would be this scared.  But, I can't get seem to get my prior loss out of my head now, and I can't stop worrying that the same thing is going to happen again.  See, I have had cramps on and off for a few days.  Nothing severe, but sometimes they are sharp.  I keep trying to tell myself that they are gas pains or something, because they have moved around a little and that seems odd to me.  Today I have consistent, sharp-ish pain on my lower right side.  As much as I really am trying not to worry, it's kind of freaking me out.  I know that cramps can be normal, and I know that they may not be a big deal, especially since I am not spotting.  That said, I just can't seem to stop over-analyzing this and worrying.  *sigh* 

My first beta on Thursday was 135 at 14 DPO.  I am just hoping and praying that my second beta on Monday is where it should be - which is at least around 540.  If so, then I think I will be able to relax a little bit.  Until then, I guess I will just try to keep my mind off of it.  There really is nothing that can be done to prevent a loss at this point anyway - if it going to happen, it is going to happen. 

3 Weeks, 6 Days - Nervous but Excited

I'm still pregnant! 

Ha.  Seriously though, not much to update yet.  I have been taking FRERs every morning, partly to ensure that the line is getting darker, and partly to assure myself that I am indeed still pregnant.  :)  The line has gotten stronger, thankfully.  I also finally worked up the nerve to take a Clearblue digi, and sure enough, its pronouncement of how far along I am correlates precisely with reality (phew!).  Here are the three most recent FRERs, and the digi:

My first beta is tomorrow morning.  Second beta should be Saturday.  I admit, I'm pretty nervous!  I am really struggling with fear and worry at this stage, given my previous loss.  I am so scared that those betas are not going to double the way they should.  Every little twinge in my general abdominal area makes my heart skip a beat.  I am terrified about losing this baby.  I wish that I could reclaim the innocence of pregnancy prior to my miscarriage.  Instead, it is a daily struggle to convince myself not to worry, that chances are that everything will be fine, and that the likelihood that I will miscarry again is low.  I have to be positive.  I have to allow myself to enjoy this, to hope, to get excited.  Afterall, a life is actually growing inside of me right now.  That is pretty amazing.  :)

CD8, & The Baby Shower

I had my CD8 monitoring appointment today.  My follies seem to be doing great!  I have two good follies (1.8 & 1.6), and one more that might catch up (1.3).  Not bad for CD8!  :)  I will be taking Gonal-f again today, and then hopefully, triggering tomorrow!  IUIs on Tuesday and Wednesday.  I am so excited and nervous!  Excited because well, I always am - I am a perpetual optimist, and having two to three good follies just makes me that much more hopeful.  Nervous, because no matter how well my body responds and how many follies I have, none of that will matter if MH's numbers are too low.  Eek!  Please, please cross your fingers for us. 

I am happy that I had a good appointment today, as it might make this afternoon a bit more bearable.  I have to go to THE baby shower today.  "THE" because it is for the one person whose pregnancy makes me very sad - I found out that this woman was pregnant within an hour of starting to miscarry in January.  :(  She was just a little further along than I was at the time.  While I do okay with pregnant people and baby showers in general, her pregnancy is a different story.  It reminds me of what I (almost) had, and lost, and of how far along I would be right now (7 months!) had my body not failed me.  She is a great person, and I am honestly, truly very happy for her - but I can't help but be sad for me at the same time.  As I said, she is the only person whose pregnancy really draws out these emotions in me, and I feel terrible about it.  I'm sure it's because of how/when I found out. Thankfully, she has no idea, as I am very good at hiding my emotions and putting on a good face.  I'm sure that I will be able to do it again today.  It will be hard though.