7 Weeks, 2 Days - More Spotting

I woke up to more spotting today. 

It is the first time that I have had any signficant spotting in almost two weeks. 

At first I totally freaked out, of course....but then I realized, this doesn't really change anything.  The possible explanations that my doctor provided for the spotting are still applicable.  In fact, I did have another internal ultrasound two days ago, and the spotting was brown.  This is exactly like the last instance of spotting, which also followed an internal.  I also have the vanishing twin issue, and super cystic ovaries. 

Speaking of ovaries, my right ovary was extremely painful last night actually.  It didn't freak me out, because I knew what it was....but now I am thinking, maybe one of those cysts actually ruptured? 

Anyway, I am not freaking out.  I am NOT.freaking.out. 

There is nothing that I can do about it anyway, if the worst is indeed going to happen. 

I also want to be able to look back on this pregnancy, and know that I loved Bug fully while he was here, inside me.  That I made him feel safe and warm and loved - not surrounded by tension and fear.  I do not want to mourn him while he is still here.  I saw him two days ago, after-all, and his little heart beat was so strong.

So I am going to pick myself up, and go about my day.  I will NOT.freak.out.

3 Weeks, 6 Days - Nervous but Excited

I'm still pregnant! 

Ha.  Seriously though, not much to update yet.  I have been taking FRERs every morning, partly to ensure that the line is getting darker, and partly to assure myself that I am indeed still pregnant.  :)  The line has gotten stronger, thankfully.  I also finally worked up the nerve to take a Clearblue digi, and sure enough, its pronouncement of how far along I am correlates precisely with reality (phew!).  Here are the three most recent FRERs, and the digi:

My first beta is tomorrow morning.  Second beta should be Saturday.  I admit, I'm pretty nervous!  I am really struggling with fear and worry at this stage, given my previous loss.  I am so scared that those betas are not going to double the way they should.  Every little twinge in my general abdominal area makes my heart skip a beat.  I am terrified about losing this baby.  I wish that I could reclaim the innocence of pregnancy prior to my miscarriage.  Instead, it is a daily struggle to convince myself not to worry, that chances are that everything will be fine, and that the likelihood that I will miscarry again is low.  I have to be positive.  I have to allow myself to enjoy this, to hope, to get excited.  Afterall, a life is actually growing inside of me right now.  That is pretty amazing.  :)

CD3 - Gonal-f is a Go

I had my CD3 appointment today, and left in high spirits.  Everything looks great for this cycle!  My antral follicle count was 22, with the largest follicles on each side both being 0.9 cm.  Take that, low ovarian reserve!!  No cysts, good FSH (3.74, should be <10) and estradiol (150, should be <200). 

So now I start taking Gonal-f!  I honestly never imagined that I would be sticking myself in the stomach with a needle that looks like this:

...or at all, ever.

But I did it, and honestly, it's no big deal.  It looks scary, but the anticipation is far worse than the actual experience.  It hurt just a tiny bit, that's all.  And then it was done.  :)

I am so hopeful this cycle!  As I always am, I guess. The way I see it, I will be crushed when if I get a BFN no matter what - there is no way that I can actually keep my hope in check enough to avoid that.  So, I figure that I might as well indulge in a little positive energy, and enjoy the fantasy of "maybe."  The end result will be what it is. 

So, here's to this cycle!  I hope it's the one!