Yup, Normal! And Baby Shoes. :)

So my OB called me at work yesterday.  She actually sounded pretty excited.  She said that she had just received my ultrasound report from Tuesday, and wanted me to know right away that my ultrasound was indeed 100% normal!  My placenta no longer looks abnormally thick, and there is no hematoma.  Samuel is measuring in the 68th percentile, and weighs approximately 800 grams (that's about 1.76 lbs).

For the first time in this entire pregnancy, there actually doesn't seem to be anything wrong or unusual.  I am normal. Sam is normal. :)

I am so freaking happy!!!

I am still spotting everyday, and that sucks.  Given our history, it is hard not to worry, at least a little bit.  My OB swears though that there is no explanation for the bleeding, so it must be my cervix.  I won't let her do a cervical exam to check (she doesn't recommend it anyway), so I will just have to take it on faith that she is right.  Some women do spot through their entire pregnancy - I guess I may be one of the few that do so.  Lucky me.

But, back to being super happy!!!  :)

Between this amazing news and reaching viability, I have garnered enough confidence to start doing some shopping.  My first purchase was an adorable pair of shoes.  Not practical, since he won't need shoes at that point, but they are just so tiny and precious, I couldn't resist:

 

I've also bought a few sleepers, and an adorable little pair of (equally impractical) jeans.

 

I am in the process of setting up a registry, which to be honest is much more overwhelming and difficult than I thought it would be.  There are so many options, and so many different opinions and reviews on what is necessary, what is a waste of money or space, what works, and even what is or is not safe.  I am getting through it slowly though, mostly to satisfy my mother in law. 

 

Oh, and don't even get me started on how challenging it was to choose the right stroller!  I *think* I've decided on the Uppababy Cruz.  Still mulling it around a bit before I make the purchase though.

 

To be clear, I am definitely not complaining!  I feel so, so blessed to still be carrying my little boy inside me right now.  I honestly didn't think that I would make it past the first trimester, let alone to viability, and an actual diagnosis of "normal."  When I think about it, I can't stop smiling. :)

 

 

 



19 Weeks & Anatomy Scan

I am 19 weeks pregnant today - I can't believe I am almost halfway there!  

I had my anatomy scan this week, and the great news is that Bug is looking perfectly perfect.  :) He is still measuring days ahead, and has all his fingers and toes.  And when I say "he", I now actually mean "he", as in we now know that he is actually a boy! To say that my husband is elated is an understatement.  I am thrilled as well, but I would have been equally excited had Bug been a girl - I had no preference.  But now that I know that I am expecting a little man, I am really becoming excited about that fact.  :). 

Without further ado, here is our little boy at 19 weeks:

And here are his toes, because they are so cute:

There is absolutely no indication that he is anything but healthy, and growing at an appropriate rate.  My doctor has therefore now given me a 98% chance of having a successful pregnancy! In her words, she would be "shocked" if I lose him.  :). Wow, right?  

Now you may be wondering, what about the hematoma?  Well, I actually don't have an answer for you.  When the scan was done I asked the tech if she measured it.  Her response was to say "well, that should have resolved by now." I know the techs aren't supposed to give us details about the results, so I asked her if she had seen it, would she have measured it? Her response - "oh yes, absolutely!"  So.... I leave the hospital, and open the report (which is in a sealed envelope and intended for my doctor, but whatever, she knows I do it).  No reference to the hematoma at all! 

So now I wonder, did she actually look for it and not find it? Or did she not see it because she was not looking for it?  

I told my doctor what happened, and she agrees that it is not definitive enough.  She suspects that it is probably still there, and wants me to continue acting as if it is.  I see her again in two weeks.  Notwithstanding that she suspects that the hematoma is still there, she would not order another ultrasound. I think she wants me to stop worrying so much, and focus on the fact that the baby is doing so well. I get that, but I really feel like I NEED to know what's going on in there!  Our compromise was to revisit the issue at our next appointment.

So, I am left with no information regarding the damned thing.  I am spotting again, and still cramping, so I am pretty sure it must still be lurking in there somewhere.  Regardless though, I do have the most important information - that Bug is healthy and strong, and that there continues to be no evidence whatsoever that the hematoma is interfering with the pregnancy or his growth. When you think about it, that is all that really matters.

So, I will try to take my doctor's advice. I mean really, 98% odds are pretty good, right? That's pretty close to what everyone else has at this point I think.

Tomorrow, I start shopping! :)

Snap, Crackle....

Pop! :)

At 15 weeks, I think I actually "popped", rather than just being bloated and looking chubby.  :). My stomach is really hard, and grew overnight (it seemed to, anyway).  Absolutely nothing fits me anymore, and random people are commenting (seriously, who does that?).  

So, I guess the jig is up, so to speak.  We had been hiding the pregnancy longer than we would have otherwise, because of the hematoma.  At this point though, I'm not sure we have any choice other than to admit to the obvious, at least when asked.  We will be seeing my husband's parents for (Canadian) Thanksgiving next weekend, and there is just no way they won't call us on it anyway, especially when I decline a drink (which I pretty much never do).  

I'm kind of excited thinking about it, as I have dreamt about telling people I am pregnant for more than a year.  Still though, I think this will induce more anxiety than anything else.  We will not be telling everyone about the complications, because I don't think it is everyone's business, and I just can't handle constantly fielding questions about it and the status of my uterus.  So, telling people will for the most part mean that I will have to act nothing but excited and happy about the whole thing, which is hard when I am so terrified.  I think we will just start with parents, and see how we feel....and then go from there.  

As for Bug, he is still doing famously, and measuring ahead as usual! Here he is at 14 weeks, 5 days:

My OB has said that based on what she has seen so far, there is nothing to suggest that he is being affected by the hematoma at all.  We still can't tell whether the placenta is affected (ie. torn, lifting), so I remain anxious.

Apparently, the further along we get, the better our chances are.  As of now, my OB says that it is more likely than not that the pregnancy will continue, and everything will be fine.   I can only pray that she is right.

 

 The hematoma measured 3 7 x 3.1 x 0.9 cm on Tuesday.  That seems bigger to me, but supposedly the actual volume has decreased slightly.  The dimensions are changing though, so who knows what it is doing.  I have  not been bleeding much since taking a week off, so that is at least encouraging.

Anyway, I am going to try to embrace this pregnancy now, and not focus so much on the hematoma, and the fear.  We'll see how that goes.  Next ultrasound is on October 9. 

10 Weeks, 3 Days - the Hematoma is Shrinking

I had another follow-up ultrasound yesterday at 10 weeks, 2 days.  The hematoma has gotten much smaller! It went from 3.6 x 1.4 x 4.0 cm on August 13, to 1.6 x 1.6 x 0.6 cm yesterday!  That is great progress, and a really good sign.  The doctor that I saw yesterday (my RE was out of town) said that it is consistent with the SCH being reabsorbed and hopefully, going away. 

 

I guess it's also consistent with my symptoms lately...the spotting has really let up.  In fact, I didn't spot at all for 6 days last week!  It came back a bit yesterday, but barely.  I could only see it on the prometrium applicator, if I looked very closely.  The cramps have also let up.  They seem to be milder, and less frequent.

 

As for Bug, he is doing famously.  His heart rate was perfect at 182.  We saw him dancing on the ultrasound!  He was kicking his little legs, and flailing his arms - it was the most prescious thing I have ever seen in my entire life.  :)  He is still measuring one day ahead.  Here he is:

I was discharged from my fertility clinic today.  I will continue to see my RE though, as she has a dual practice as an OB.  I like her, and I like the idea of staying with someone who knows our history, and who is familiar with the fertility issues as well.  So, I have another ultrasound and follow-up appointment with her next week. 

 

I am starting to let myself hope, which to be honest, scares the sh!t out of me.  I mean, I have always hoped - it is what has gotten me this far.  I have hoped that the hematoma would get smaller; and hoped that Bug would still be there, healthy and strong, at my next appointment.  I have hoped and prayed that I will not miscarry.  I have not, however, let myself actually believe that everything might be okay - that I might hold Bug someday, and see him/her smile.  I have not allowed myself to picture that happy ending.  And well, I am starting to now. 

 

Don't get me wrong, I am still terrified.  I will probably continue to live with that fear at least until the hematoma is gone, and until I make it to 2nd tri unscathed (1 1/2 weeks!).  But now, I can see that maybe, just maybe, everything will be okay.  Maybe. 

 

Bug and I might just make it through this, together.

 

So...It's Huge

I had another ultrasound today, to check on the status of the subchorionic hemorrhage/hematoma (SCH).  The good news, again, is that Bug is doing well.  He has a very strong heart beat, and is now measuing two days ahead! 

Unfortunately, the SCH is also growing.  :(  It is about 4 cm now, and it is bigger than the gestational sac.  That is not good. 

We still do not have the most important piece of information - ie. where it is relative to where the placenta is developping.  The placenta is not visible yet and therefore, my RE says that she cannot be certain where the bleed is relative to it.  She also can't tell whether the sac is at all detached or detaching from the uterine wall.  In addition, because the first ultrasound tech didn't note where the "vanishing" twin's sac was located, we also cannot tell where the SCH is relative to where s/he was.

So, I'm essentially just left with the knowledge that while I have a healthy baby in there, I also have a ginormous blood clot, right beside it. 

I don't go back for another ultrasound until August 24.  Until then, all I can do is wait, and pray.  Pray that the bleed is reabsorbed or at least gets smaller; and above all else, pray that Bug stays strong and healthy, and that the SCH doesn't affect him.

I just want my Bug to be okay.  I don't know what I'll do if I lose him too.

Hoping for the Best

Well, the spotting stopped.  It really didn't last very long, just about two days.  It was also actually extremely light, notiwthstanding my initial melodramatic description of it as "bleeding."  It really started tapering off within hours of appearing.  The cramps are still coming and going, but I think they were there last week as well - I can't remember at this point.  They feel just like period cramps.  Anyway, I am trying not to assume the worst, but I am terrified.  I know that either spotting or cramps can be normal, but the two together are rarely a good sign.

I finally convinced my RE to move my viability ultrasound up by a week, to next Thursday, when I will be 7 weeks.  Hopefully, at that point I will see a strong heartbeat, and be told that everything is on track. 

In the interim, I went to the clinic that saw me through my last miscarriage, and had a beta drawn.  It was 12,600.  It had been 4,323 a little less than 5 days prior.  That gives me a doubling time of 75 to 77 hours, depending on how precise I am about what time the tests were taken (75 hours is precise).  I get that this is actually perfectly normal, given how high the betas are (1,200 - 6,000 should double every 72 to 96 hours, >6,000 can take >96 hours).  I still hate that it is not less than 48 hours though, even though I know that it is not expected to be at this point.

But yeah, the apparently normal doubling time is a good sign, and gives me some relief for sure!  With my last miscarriage, falling betas were my first real sign of trouble after spotting.

I'm not doing another beta, because I don't know what the upper limit of normal is at this HCG level, and I think I will probably just stress and worry if it is above 96 hours at all (as it apparently should be).

So now, all I can do is wait for that ultrasound, and hope, and pray. 

I have never prayed so hard for anything in my life.

I mean, everything could be okay.  I did start spotting brown a couple of days after an extremely invasive and uncomfortable internal ultrasound (seriously, she had it at like 90 degree angles at times).  That is normal, right?  And so are the cramps...right?  It could be okay.  Maybe, just maybe, I won't lose this baby too.

Cysts!

So I spent a lovely evening in the emergency room last night. 

Ha.  Honesty though, it was hardly enjoyable, but I am so glad that I went, because it really put my mind at ease!  The pain in my lower right hand side has gotten significantly worse over the past couple of days.  I finally decided yesterday afternoon that it was sharp and focused enough that I wanted to make sure that it wasn't ectopic.  After a lovely 10 hours at the hospital, I received the following information:

• there was no evidence of a tubal pregnancy on the ultrasounds;
• my betas had increased by four-fold in the past four days, to 4,323 (perfect); and
•  the doctor could see one gestational & yolk sac in my uterus, measuring at 5 weeks, 2 days (I was 5 weeks, 1 day).

Apparently, I am in pain because my ovaries are full of cysts!  Wonderful. 

I snapped this (blurry) photo of the ultrasound machine when the tech stepped out:

You can see one of my stupidly cystic ovaries in the upper right hand corner.  There are multiple cysts/follicles measuring in the range of of 20 to 27 mm in each ovary.  Not exactly normal for pregnancy, but apparently it can happen when the ovaries are hyper-stimulated with fertility drugs, like say, Gonal-f.    Anyway, I spoke to my RE this morning, and she was unconcerned.  She said they should resolve themselves over the next few weeks, and that other than causing some discomfort, they do not pose any actual risk.  :)

I am definitely relieved!  While I'd prefer not to have freakishly cystic ovaries right now, it is far better than the alternative explanation for that focused pain (i.e. ectopic). 

Also, I managed to get some confirmation that everything is on track in the process.  You can see blurry images of the little Bug in the ultrasound shot above.  No fetal pole yet, but at 5 weeks, 1 day, I understand that is perfectly normal.  He/she is measuring exactly right at this stage, if not a day ahead.

So, now can I relax?  :)  I hope so...!