Reflecting on 2012

I do not generally revere New Years Eve or New Years day, mostly because I have never really been able to grasp what is so special about it, other than it being another excuse to celebrate and do something special with friends and loved ones.  In my view, a new year starts every single day - every single second, in fact.  In that sense, New Years is no different from any other day of the year, except that it marks the end (and beginning) of the calendar year.

  

That said, I do sometimes take the opportunity on New Years to reflect on the past 12 months, and to give some thought to how I want or anticipate the next 12 months to go.  I did just that last year, on January 1, 2012.  In retrospect, it is amazing how wrong I was.  2012 was nothing like we had expected.

  

I started 2012 full of hope, and plans.  We had been trying to conceive since September 2011, and did not yet know that we had been successful in creating a little life together in December.  Dreaming about starting our family was therefore my focus last New Years.  I knew nothing about miscarriage or fertility problems (other than that I suspected that I had low progesterone), and gave no thought whatsoever to the possibility that once I became pregnant, there might be any outcome other than a bouncing baby in my arms nine months later.

  

I also began 2012 somewhat resigned to the fact that I would be "stuck" in my then-current job forever.  I was a commercial litigator at the time.  While I loved (and still love) law from an academic perspective, I had come to realize over the course of my 6 year career that a private litigation practice did not make me happy.  In fact, in some ways, I hated it.  It was however all that I was trained to do.  After 7 years of school and tens of thousands of dollars in student loans, I felt trapped.  When we decided to start our family, I knew at that point that the time for making a drastic career change had passed.  We needed the stability and financial security that my position provided.  We could not afford to forgo my salary while I went back to school.  While I was willing to accept a salary cut in exchange for happiness, I had not yet found an alternate position or career opportunity that I felt would provide that trade off.  I had therefore accepted that I would return to my position as a litigator after taking no more than a few months of maternity leave following the birth of our first child.

 

 As I said, 2012 turned out very differently than I had expected. 

 

 In January 2012, we found out that I was pregnant.  We were shocked, as I had experienced what I thought was my period in December, in that I bled for a week, right on schedule.  As we tried again in what we thought was a new cycle in January, we could not figure out why I was not ovulating "on schedule", despite the fact that I continued to get postive ovulation test readings every day.  I started to bleed/spot after sex, which had become painful because my breasts literally felt like they were going to fall off.  So, against all logic, I took a test.  As I said, we were shocked to see two pink lines.  Shocked, and absolutely elated.

 

 Sadly though, the spotting continued.  I had several ultrasounds, where I saw our seemingly normal and healthy child, with a strong heartbeat each time.  There was no explanation for the bleeding; all we could do was hope and pray.  It was not enough.  We said goodbye to our angel baby in our home in late January, 2012. 

 

 I had thought that I had experienced pain and loss in my life before last year, and that I understood what it meant to have your heart broken.  I was wrong.  Nothing compared or can compare to the loss of a child, even when that child is still the size of a raspberry, growing inside you.  My entire world fell apart.  My heart was literally broken.

 

 Several days later, I received an email from a company that I had applied for a job with the previous August.  To say that it was my dream job is not an exageration.  I had coveted the position for years, however, there had been no openings for a long time.  I still checked their website weekly, and when I saw the posting, I could not get my resume out quickly enough. I went through the interview process, but had heard nothing from them for many weeks.  I had assumed and accepted that the job had gone to someone else.  Again, I was wrong.  Just days after losing our first child, I was offered my dream job - and the opportunity to escape a life that I had felt forced to accept.  It was such a bittersweet time.  I do believe though that that opportunity ultimately did help me heal (or hide) from the pain of our loss.

 

 Given that I was starting a new job, and not just any job, but THE job, we decided to put trying to conceive on hold for a few months while I settled in.  I also needed that time to mourn my first baby.  I was just not ready to try again so quickly.

 

 In the interim, we underwent fertility testing at the insistence of my doctor, who refused to deal with the progesterone deficiency without first running a full battery of tests.  The news was not good (although I certainly recognize that it could have been worse).  As I suspected, I was diagnosed with low progesterone.  I was also diagnosed with low ovarian reserve.  My husband had very low sperm motility, and a varicoscele. 

 

 We decided that in the circumstances, we couldn't wait any longer.  We therefore began trying again with the assistance of our fertility clinic, including one monitored natural cycle, one unmedicated IUI, and one cycle of Gonal-f.  That last cycle gave us our BFP.

 

 As you know from reading this blog, our second pregnancy did not go smoothly.  We had our second miscarriage early on, when we lost Bug's twin.  The hematoma and constant bleeding thereafter resulted in this pregnancy being by far the most difficult experience of my life.  To be falling ever more deeply in love with this child inside you, all the while knowing that you had a strong chance of losing him at any time....well, that was tough. 

 

 So here I sit again, reflecting on the last 12 months, and giving some thought to the future.  In the end, while 2012 brought more heartache than I could ever have anticipated, it also brought great joy, and good fortune.  We are so very blessed that through our love for each other (and with a little medical help), we were able to create yet another prescious life, who has thrived despite all odds.  Our relationship with each other has also grown stronger, as we faced the loss of two babies and the ever-present threat of losing Bug together.  The fact that I was lucky enough to finally find happiness and fulfillment in my career is an added and very meaningful bonus.

 

 As for looking ahead to 2013, well, I have I have very high hopes.  While I know that life can turn out very differently than you anticipate, I refuse to enter this year with anything but hope, faith and optimism.  I can't wait to meet our son, and to begin this new chapter in our lives together, as a family.

 

High Risk Consult

I was referred to a high risk specialist this week for a consult.  Finally!  I had been waitng for that referral for quite a while.  I am in Canada, so I cannot just book an appointment with a peri - I had to wait until my OB felt that it was justified.  She wanted to wait until 20 weeks.  This, by the way, is one of my biggest pet peeves ever - that so many doctors do not seem to take a pregnancy or any possible complications in a pregnancy seriously until you hit that magical 20 week mark.  Even then, most are not willing to intervene or try to save a pregnancy until viability (24 weeks).  It drives me nuts.  I mean, it seems to me that the fact that the baby will not make it if he is born that early should be all the more reason to try to prevent early delivery.  Anyway, moving on...

I saw the high risk doctor yesterday.  There is both good news, and confusing-potentially-concerning news.

The good news is, the hematoma is gone.  Yay, right?!  

But wait a minute....so why am I still bleeding then?  And why do I still have these cramps everyday?  

I saw the high risk doctor for all of thirty seconds after the ultrasound.  He told me the good news, and then said, "But, your placenta is unusual."  What does that mean, I asked?  "It is unusually thick.  That could be why you are still bleeding."  Again I asked, what does that mean?  He then said I should speak to my OB.  Great.  Thanks.

I called my OB's office and explained what happened, and asked to make an appointment.  My OB called me back personally within 10 minutes.  She was able to access the ultrasound report, and explained that she was "not concerned."  The baby is fine, the hematoma is gone.  My placenta was normal on all other ultrasounds.  She made it sound as if its thickness is just on the high end of normal.  She will give me another ultrasound, but said that I am now "low risk".  

So why am I still bleeding??????

According to my OB, it might just be my cervix.

So I am left with two different opinions from two different doctors.  One who I trust very much, but who is not herself a specialist, and who has not yet read the specialist's report.  Another who is a specialist, but who gave me very little in the way of meaningful interpretation, or any indication of a prognosis.

So, being the person I am, I could not stop myself from googling,  BIG mistake.  Apparently, a thick placenta is a sign of many scary things, most notably placenta abruption.  The exact thing I have been worried about for months.  Bleeding is of course also a sign of that, and so are these cramps.  The hematoma itself could have been caused by it.  Obviously not a full abruption, but perhaps a partial one.  Apparently, they are not easy to see on ultrasounds unless there is a large retroplacental hemorrhage.  Otherwise, it may present only as an unusually thick placenta.  Great.

I have another appointment with my OB in a few weeks, at which point she should actually have the high risk doctor's report (which will presumably contain an explanation for why he thinks the thick placenta was concerning, and that he suspects that it might be the cause of the bleeding).  I will have another ultrasound at that point, and we will go from there.  In the meantime, I am going to try to listen to my OB on this one, and not worry too much or freak out (I swear).  Bug is still with me, and doing great.  I feel him everyday now.  We both love him so much already.  

19 Weeks & Anatomy Scan

I am 19 weeks pregnant today - I can't believe I am almost halfway there!  

I had my anatomy scan this week, and the great news is that Bug is looking perfectly perfect.  :) He is still measuring days ahead, and has all his fingers and toes.  And when I say "he", I now actually mean "he", as in we now know that he is actually a boy! To say that my husband is elated is an understatement.  I am thrilled as well, but I would have been equally excited had Bug been a girl - I had no preference.  But now that I know that I am expecting a little man, I am really becoming excited about that fact.  :). 

Without further ado, here is our little boy at 19 weeks:

And here are his toes, because they are so cute:

There is absolutely no indication that he is anything but healthy, and growing at an appropriate rate.  My doctor has therefore now given me a 98% chance of having a successful pregnancy! In her words, she would be "shocked" if I lose him.  :). Wow, right?  

Now you may be wondering, what about the hematoma?  Well, I actually don't have an answer for you.  When the scan was done I asked the tech if she measured it.  Her response was to say "well, that should have resolved by now." I know the techs aren't supposed to give us details about the results, so I asked her if she had seen it, would she have measured it? Her response - "oh yes, absolutely!"  So.... I leave the hospital, and open the report (which is in a sealed envelope and intended for my doctor, but whatever, she knows I do it).  No reference to the hematoma at all! 

So now I wonder, did she actually look for it and not find it? Or did she not see it because she was not looking for it?  

I told my doctor what happened, and she agrees that it is not definitive enough.  She suspects that it is probably still there, and wants me to continue acting as if it is.  I see her again in two weeks.  Notwithstanding that she suspects that the hematoma is still there, she would not order another ultrasound. I think she wants me to stop worrying so much, and focus on the fact that the baby is doing so well. I get that, but I really feel like I NEED to know what's going on in there!  Our compromise was to revisit the issue at our next appointment.

So, I am left with no information regarding the damned thing.  I am spotting again, and still cramping, so I am pretty sure it must still be lurking in there somewhere.  Regardless though, I do have the most important information - that Bug is healthy and strong, and that there continues to be no evidence whatsoever that the hematoma is interfering with the pregnancy or his growth. When you think about it, that is all that really matters.

So, I will try to take my doctor's advice. I mean really, 98% odds are pretty good, right? That's pretty close to what everyone else has at this point I think.

Tomorrow, I start shopping! :)

Snap, Crackle....

Pop! :)

At 15 weeks, I think I actually "popped", rather than just being bloated and looking chubby.  :). My stomach is really hard, and grew overnight (it seemed to, anyway).  Absolutely nothing fits me anymore, and random people are commenting (seriously, who does that?).  

So, I guess the jig is up, so to speak.  We had been hiding the pregnancy longer than we would have otherwise, because of the hematoma.  At this point though, I'm not sure we have any choice other than to admit to the obvious, at least when asked.  We will be seeing my husband's parents for (Canadian) Thanksgiving next weekend, and there is just no way they won't call us on it anyway, especially when I decline a drink (which I pretty much never do).  

I'm kind of excited thinking about it, as I have dreamt about telling people I am pregnant for more than a year.  Still though, I think this will induce more anxiety than anything else.  We will not be telling everyone about the complications, because I don't think it is everyone's business, and I just can't handle constantly fielding questions about it and the status of my uterus.  So, telling people will for the most part mean that I will have to act nothing but excited and happy about the whole thing, which is hard when I am so terrified.  I think we will just start with parents, and see how we feel....and then go from there.  

As for Bug, he is still doing famously, and measuring ahead as usual! Here he is at 14 weeks, 5 days:

My OB has said that based on what she has seen so far, there is nothing to suggest that he is being affected by the hematoma at all.  We still can't tell whether the placenta is affected (ie. torn, lifting), so I remain anxious.

Apparently, the further along we get, the better our chances are.  As of now, my OB says that it is more likely than not that the pregnancy will continue, and everything will be fine.   I can only pray that she is right.

 

 The hematoma measured 3 7 x 3.1 x 0.9 cm on Tuesday.  That seems bigger to me, but supposedly the actual volume has decreased slightly.  The dimensions are changing though, so who knows what it is doing.  I have  not been bleeding much since taking a week off, so that is at least encouraging.

Anyway, I am going to try to embrace this pregnancy now, and not focus so much on the hematoma, and the fear.  We'll see how that goes.  Next ultrasound is on October 9.