17 1/2 Weeks - The SCH is Smaller

The SCH is finally shrinking again!  It was 2.4 x 2.5 x 0.4 cm as of last Tuesday.  While the numbers don't seem much lower, if you calculate the volume, it is actually 75% smaller than it was two weeks earlier! :) I am scared to allow myself to get too excited - after all, the last time it shrunk this much, I had a massive hemorrhage a week later.  I am obviously praying that that does not happen again, and that this actually is a sign that the damned thing is finally going away!

I don't know much about how Bug is doing, except that he is still there, with a very strong heartbeat (160).  The ultrasound tech refused to even measure his crown-rump-length because my OB didn't specifically write it down on her requisition.  I tried to explain that tracking the baby's growth is an important part of tracking the hematoma (which WAS on the requisition), since knowing whether the baby's growth is being affected provides a strong indication of whether the hematoma is causing problems with the placenta (which it is right beside).  She wouldn't budge.  So now, while I am trying to tell myself that there is no reason to think that Bug is doing anything other than growing like a weed as he has been, I can't help but wonder and worry.  Because you know, I needed something else to worry about with this pregnancy!  :S

Overall though, I am very happy, and increasingly optimistic.  I haven't had any real bleeding in weeks, and am barely spotting at this point.  My cramps did ease up for a while, but have gotten a bit more persistent these past few days.  They did this right before the hematoma became tiny last time though, so maybe it is caused by the hematoma breaking up and resolving?  A girl can always hope.  :)

I am definitely showing now, it is kind of crazy actually.  We have had no choice but to start coming out, which has been both exciting and terrifying.  Our families are ecstatic. :). We have been pretty tight-lipped about the complications, and have only told people about the issue on an ad-needed basis (for example, when I need to explain my absence at a wedding).

I have to say though that I am actually increasingly scared too, despite the fact that the hematoma seems to (hopefully, maybe) be resolving.  I am falling more in love with this little baby every single day! I talk to him/her on a daily basis.  I think I can feel movement sometimes, though it's hard to tell for sure.  Sometimes it's a fluttery feeling, sometimes I feel like something little rolled over inside me (very strange feeling!), and just yesterday I felt a "pop" against the inside of my belly.  Could be in my head - who knows.  But regardless, it is making me feel that much more bonded with this little creature.  I know that at this point, he can hear my voice, and will recognize it when he is born.  How amazing is that?  He is sucking his thumb.  I have seen him on ultrasound screens 9 or 10 times now, and hear his heartbeat every few days.  How can I possibly NOT be absolutely in love with this child, this little human who is growing inside me?  I have had losses before, but this one will be different.  I can't even fathom how I will make it through losing him.  It terrifies me so much that I can't let myself think about it.

I will try to focus on the good news, and not worry about what might happen tomorrow.  Today I am pregnant, and I love my Bug.  That is all I need to know.

Hello Second Trimester

I will be 14 weeks pregnant tomorrow.  I can't believe that I've actually made it to the second trimester.  This is not, of course, how I imagined it.  By now, we should be telling our families and friends that we are expecting, and basking in the excitement and relief that should accompany having passed the magical 12 week mark.  We should be making plans for the future, including where we will live when Bug arrives, and starting to think about names.  I should be starting to think about strollers and cribs, and how I will decorate the nursery.

We are not doing any of these things.

We are in a holding pattern.  Because the situation is still so precarious, we have not told anyone about the baby.  Our families do not even know (well, with the exception of my mother).  We do not discuss names, or make plans of any kind. I can't even say whether I will be able to leave the house any time soon.  We move from day to day, ultrasound to ultrasound, with our hearts in our throats.

I wish that for once, I could be like so many other pregnant women, for whom the miracle of giving life seems to come so easily.  I wish my body would just WORK the way it is supposed to.  

Clearly, my path to starting a family will not be so easy.  That does not mean though that I will not eventually get there, that I will not hold my baby in my arms someday.  Hopefully, that baby will be Bug, and "someday" will be March 2013.

An Experiment

My symptoms really began to pick up last week following my ultrasound on Tuesday.  I started actually bleeding, whereas I had only really spotted prior to that point.  Well, with the exception of the massive hemorrhaging incident of course.  Anyway, the blood last week was mostly still brownish, but it seemed to have a reddish tinge, which totally freaked me out.  My cramps also became stronger.  

As my symptoms picked up, so too did my fear.  Also, while I do trust my doctor, I can't help but notice that my symptoms do seem to be more pronounced when I am moving around.  So, while she swears left right and centre that full-on bed rest will not help, I am still skeptical.  

My solution (hopefully)?  Vacation time.  My husband and I had a trip tentatively planned for late October - we were going to go south for a week (or maybe to Greece, but that was less likely).  I was convinced that a week away would help us heal if the worst happens.  It probably would have.  But, the time is much better spent trying to PREVENT the worst from happening in the first place.  So, with my employer's blessing, I moved the vacation time up last minute.  I have been off since Friday, and do not go back to work until the 24th. 

 While on "vacation", I will be giving bed rest a shot.  My hope is that whatever is torn or bleeding inside of me will be given some time to heal.  I am actually somewhat optimistic in this regard.  In fact, after only two days, there is a very stark difference in symptoms.  My bleeding has stopped - I am back to extremely light brown spotting (I have had this almost daily for almost 8 weeks).  Cramps are still there, but maybe after a few days, they will ease up too.

I am already bored out of my skull!  :). I have been doing partial bed rest for weeks (ie. in bed at all times when not at desk job), so it is already pretty old.  I am running out of ways to occupy myself.  It  goes without saying that it will be worth it though, if it helps.  I would do a LOT more than bed rest to protect this baby.

I will probably just end up working remotely all week.  I really do love my job, and it is certainly more interesting than staring at the walls. :)

Anyway, that is my update.  I am doing everything I can to save this baby.  Hopefully, it will be enough.

So Much for Optimism

Everything seemed to be going so well.  The hematoma was shrinking, I had stopped spotting, and my cramps had really eased up.  I was becoming very optimistic, and was fantasizing about how  we would tell our family and friends that we were expecting.  I was getting increasingly excited, and was starting to think that I might just carry this baby to term like a normal person.  Maybe, just maybe, I wasn't broken after-all.

Sadly. that optimism was short-lived.

On Friday, out of the blue, I started gushing bright red blood.  :(. I went to the ER, where I had an ultrasound.  Bug  was there, dancing away.  He was measuring ahead at 11 weeks, 6 days.

 Unfortunately, the ultrasound also showed that the hematoma (or hemorrhage at this point) had more than quadrupled in size in a week.  :( It was measuring at 8.7 x 5.8 x 1.6 cm.

I have been on self-imposed bed rest since, while I wait to see my OB on Tuesday.  I am still bleeding.  Mostly brown, but some episodes of bright red as well.  That is really not good, obviously. I have read that with a hematoma, bright red bleeding means that whatever is causing the bleeding to pool inside the uterus is actively bleeding.  It could be a tear in the uterine wall, and it could be the placenta detaching.  :( I know that the hematoma is near my placenta and therefore, I am fearing the worst.  Even if that is not what is happening, my uterus is absolutely full of blood at this point (even on Friday, it surrounded 50% of the baby, and is much bigger than he is).  Something likely has to give.

 

My OB doesn't believe in bed rest at all.  She says that there is no conclusive evidence that it helps and therefore, she will not prescribe it.  I get that I am not a doctor, but frankly, I am still skeptical.  Everything that I have read has suggested that there is a difference in medical opinion on the subject, and that most women (especially those are are seeing a high-risk specialist) are put on bed rest, for at least two weeks after an active bleed subsides.  While bedrest would be disastrous for me professionally right now, I desperately want to make sure that I am doing everything that I can to save this baby.  I can only do bed rest if it is recommended by a doctor, as otherwise my short-term disability insurance will not kick in, and I will not get paid.  I am therefore thinking of switching doctors (or at least, getting a second opinion) if my OB doesn't reconsider her stance on the issue on Tuesday. 

In the meantime, I am too scared to use my doppler to check on Bug, because I don't want to make the bleeding worse by pushing down on my uterus or placenta.  I also don't want to do anything that might cause him pain or discomfort right now, given what he might be going through in there.  If my litttle Bug is fighting for his life right now, the last thing I want to do is make that harder for him.

 

I am so heartbroken at the thought of losing him.  :(

 

Here he is as of Friday, by the way.  He is getting so big, and looks so human now.  I love looking at him, but I also hate this picture.  I think that is part of the hematoma to the right, below the placenta.  It looks like the blood is coming from behind the placenta, which is pretty much worst-case scenario.  I am trying to remind myself that I am not trained to read ultrasounds, and therefore don't know for sure what I am seeing - but it sure looks like that is what is happening to me.



I guess there is nothing else to say.  I am pretty sure I am losing him, and my heart is already breaking. 

10 Weeks, 3 Days - the Hematoma is Shrinking

I had another follow-up ultrasound yesterday at 10 weeks, 2 days.  The hematoma has gotten much smaller! It went from 3.6 x 1.4 x 4.0 cm on August 13, to 1.6 x 1.6 x 0.6 cm yesterday!  That is great progress, and a really good sign.  The doctor that I saw yesterday (my RE was out of town) said that it is consistent with the SCH being reabsorbed and hopefully, going away. 

 

I guess it's also consistent with my symptoms lately...the spotting has really let up.  In fact, I didn't spot at all for 6 days last week!  It came back a bit yesterday, but barely.  I could only see it on the prometrium applicator, if I looked very closely.  The cramps have also let up.  They seem to be milder, and less frequent.

 

As for Bug, he is doing famously.  His heart rate was perfect at 182.  We saw him dancing on the ultrasound!  He was kicking his little legs, and flailing his arms - it was the most prescious thing I have ever seen in my entire life.  :)  He is still measuring one day ahead.  Here he is:

I was discharged from my fertility clinic today.  I will continue to see my RE though, as she has a dual practice as an OB.  I like her, and I like the idea of staying with someone who knows our history, and who is familiar with the fertility issues as well.  So, I have another ultrasound and follow-up appointment with her next week. 

 

I am starting to let myself hope, which to be honest, scares the sh!t out of me.  I mean, I have always hoped - it is what has gotten me this far.  I have hoped that the hematoma would get smaller; and hoped that Bug would still be there, healthy and strong, at my next appointment.  I have hoped and prayed that I will not miscarry.  I have not, however, let myself actually believe that everything might be okay - that I might hold Bug someday, and see him/her smile.  I have not allowed myself to picture that happy ending.  And well, I am starting to now. 

 

Don't get me wrong, I am still terrified.  I will probably continue to live with that fear at least until the hematoma is gone, and until I make it to 2nd tri unscathed (1 1/2 weeks!).  But now, I can see that maybe, just maybe, everything will be okay.  Maybe. 

 

Bug and I might just make it through this, together.

 

So...It's Huge

I had another ultrasound today, to check on the status of the subchorionic hemorrhage/hematoma (SCH).  The good news, again, is that Bug is doing well.  He has a very strong heart beat, and is now measuing two days ahead! 

Unfortunately, the SCH is also growing.  :(  It is about 4 cm now, and it is bigger than the gestational sac.  That is not good. 

We still do not have the most important piece of information - ie. where it is relative to where the placenta is developping.  The placenta is not visible yet and therefore, my RE says that she cannot be certain where the bleed is relative to it.  She also can't tell whether the sac is at all detached or detaching from the uterine wall.  In addition, because the first ultrasound tech didn't note where the "vanishing" twin's sac was located, we also cannot tell where the SCH is relative to where s/he was.

So, I'm essentially just left with the knowledge that while I have a healthy baby in there, I also have a ginormous blood clot, right beside it. 

I don't go back for another ultrasound until August 24.  Until then, all I can do is wait, and pray.  Pray that the bleed is reabsorbed or at least gets smaller; and above all else, pray that Bug stays strong and healthy, and that the SCH doesn't affect him.

I just want my Bug to be okay.  I don't know what I'll do if I lose him too.