So Much for Optimism

Everything seemed to be going so well.  The hematoma was shrinking, I had stopped spotting, and my cramps had really eased up.  I was becoming very optimistic, and was fantasizing about how  we would tell our family and friends that we were expecting.  I was getting increasingly excited, and was starting to think that I might just carry this baby to term like a normal person.  Maybe, just maybe, I wasn't broken after-all.

Sadly. that optimism was short-lived.

On Friday, out of the blue, I started gushing bright red blood.  :(. I went to the ER, where I had an ultrasound.  Bug  was there, dancing away.  He was measuring ahead at 11 weeks, 6 days.

 Unfortunately, the ultrasound also showed that the hematoma (or hemorrhage at this point) had more than quadrupled in size in a week.  :( It was measuring at 8.7 x 5.8 x 1.6 cm.

I have been on self-imposed bed rest since, while I wait to see my OB on Tuesday.  I am still bleeding.  Mostly brown, but some episodes of bright red as well.  That is really not good, obviously. I have read that with a hematoma, bright red bleeding means that whatever is causing the bleeding to pool inside the uterus is actively bleeding.  It could be a tear in the uterine wall, and it could be the placenta detaching.  :( I know that the hematoma is near my placenta and therefore, I am fearing the worst.  Even if that is not what is happening, my uterus is absolutely full of blood at this point (even on Friday, it surrounded 50% of the baby, and is much bigger than he is).  Something likely has to give.

 

My OB doesn't believe in bed rest at all.  She says that there is no conclusive evidence that it helps and therefore, she will not prescribe it.  I get that I am not a doctor, but frankly, I am still skeptical.  Everything that I have read has suggested that there is a difference in medical opinion on the subject, and that most women (especially those are are seeing a high-risk specialist) are put on bed rest, for at least two weeks after an active bleed subsides.  While bedrest would be disastrous for me professionally right now, I desperately want to make sure that I am doing everything that I can to save this baby.  I can only do bed rest if it is recommended by a doctor, as otherwise my short-term disability insurance will not kick in, and I will not get paid.  I am therefore thinking of switching doctors (or at least, getting a second opinion) if my OB doesn't reconsider her stance on the issue on Tuesday. 

In the meantime, I am too scared to use my doppler to check on Bug, because I don't want to make the bleeding worse by pushing down on my uterus or placenta.  I also don't want to do anything that might cause him pain or discomfort right now, given what he might be going through in there.  If my litttle Bug is fighting for his life right now, the last thing I want to do is make that harder for him.

 

I am so heartbroken at the thought of losing him.  :(

 

Here he is as of Friday, by the way.  He is getting so big, and looks so human now.  I love looking at him, but I also hate this picture.  I think that is part of the hematoma to the right, below the placenta.  It looks like the blood is coming from behind the placenta, which is pretty much worst-case scenario.  I am trying to remind myself that I am not trained to read ultrasounds, and therefore don't know for sure what I am seeing - but it sure looks like that is what is happening to me.



I guess there is nothing else to say.  I am pretty sure I am losing him, and my heart is already breaking.