17 1/2 Weeks - The SCH is Smaller

The SCH is finally shrinking again!  It was 2.4 x 2.5 x 0.4 cm as of last Tuesday.  While the numbers don't seem much lower, if you calculate the volume, it is actually 75% smaller than it was two weeks earlier! :) I am scared to allow myself to get too excited - after all, the last time it shrunk this much, I had a massive hemorrhage a week later.  I am obviously praying that that does not happen again, and that this actually is a sign that the damned thing is finally going away!

I don't know much about how Bug is doing, except that he is still there, with a very strong heartbeat (160).  The ultrasound tech refused to even measure his crown-rump-length because my OB didn't specifically write it down on her requisition.  I tried to explain that tracking the baby's growth is an important part of tracking the hematoma (which WAS on the requisition), since knowing whether the baby's growth is being affected provides a strong indication of whether the hematoma is causing problems with the placenta (which it is right beside).  She wouldn't budge.  So now, while I am trying to tell myself that there is no reason to think that Bug is doing anything other than growing like a weed as he has been, I can't help but wonder and worry.  Because you know, I needed something else to worry about with this pregnancy!  :S

Overall though, I am very happy, and increasingly optimistic.  I haven't had any real bleeding in weeks, and am barely spotting at this point.  My cramps did ease up for a while, but have gotten a bit more persistent these past few days.  They did this right before the hematoma became tiny last time though, so maybe it is caused by the hematoma breaking up and resolving?  A girl can always hope.  :)

I am definitely showing now, it is kind of crazy actually.  We have had no choice but to start coming out, which has been both exciting and terrifying.  Our families are ecstatic. :). We have been pretty tight-lipped about the complications, and have only told people about the issue on an ad-needed basis (for example, when I need to explain my absence at a wedding).

I have to say though that I am actually increasingly scared too, despite the fact that the hematoma seems to (hopefully, maybe) be resolving.  I am falling more in love with this little baby every single day! I talk to him/her on a daily basis.  I think I can feel movement sometimes, though it's hard to tell for sure.  Sometimes it's a fluttery feeling, sometimes I feel like something little rolled over inside me (very strange feeling!), and just yesterday I felt a "pop" against the inside of my belly.  Could be in my head - who knows.  But regardless, it is making me feel that much more bonded with this little creature.  I know that at this point, he can hear my voice, and will recognize it when he is born.  How amazing is that?  He is sucking his thumb.  I have seen him on ultrasound screens 9 or 10 times now, and hear his heartbeat every few days.  How can I possibly NOT be absolutely in love with this child, this little human who is growing inside me?  I have had losses before, but this one will be different.  I can't even fathom how I will make it through losing him.  It terrifies me so much that I can't let myself think about it.

I will try to focus on the good news, and not worry about what might happen tomorrow.  Today I am pregnant, and I love my Bug.  That is all I need to know.