19 Weeks & Anatomy Scan

I am 19 weeks pregnant today - I can't believe I am almost halfway there!  

I had my anatomy scan this week, and the great news is that Bug is looking perfectly perfect.  :) He is still measuring days ahead, and has all his fingers and toes.  And when I say "he", I now actually mean "he", as in we now know that he is actually a boy! To say that my husband is elated is an understatement.  I am thrilled as well, but I would have been equally excited had Bug been a girl - I had no preference.  But now that I know that I am expecting a little man, I am really becoming excited about that fact.  :). 

Without further ado, here is our little boy at 19 weeks:

And here are his toes, because they are so cute:

There is absolutely no indication that he is anything but healthy, and growing at an appropriate rate.  My doctor has therefore now given me a 98% chance of having a successful pregnancy! In her words, she would be "shocked" if I lose him.  :). Wow, right?  

Now you may be wondering, what about the hematoma?  Well, I actually don't have an answer for you.  When the scan was done I asked the tech if she measured it.  Her response was to say "well, that should have resolved by now." I know the techs aren't supposed to give us details about the results, so I asked her if she had seen it, would she have measured it? Her response - "oh yes, absolutely!"  So.... I leave the hospital, and open the report (which is in a sealed envelope and intended for my doctor, but whatever, she knows I do it).  No reference to the hematoma at all! 

So now I wonder, did she actually look for it and not find it? Or did she not see it because she was not looking for it?  

I told my doctor what happened, and she agrees that it is not definitive enough.  She suspects that it is probably still there, and wants me to continue acting as if it is.  I see her again in two weeks.  Notwithstanding that she suspects that the hematoma is still there, she would not order another ultrasound. I think she wants me to stop worrying so much, and focus on the fact that the baby is doing so well. I get that, but I really feel like I NEED to know what's going on in there!  Our compromise was to revisit the issue at our next appointment.

So, I am left with no information regarding the damned thing.  I am spotting again, and still cramping, so I am pretty sure it must still be lurking in there somewhere.  Regardless though, I do have the most important information - that Bug is healthy and strong, and that there continues to be no evidence whatsoever that the hematoma is interfering with the pregnancy or his growth. When you think about it, that is all that really matters.

So, I will try to take my doctor's advice. I mean really, 98% odds are pretty good, right? That's pretty close to what everyone else has at this point I think.

Tomorrow, I start shopping! :)

First Real Kick! :)

After weeks of feeling "flutters" and little bubbles and wondering whether I was actually feeling Bug, I am pretty sure that I felt an actual kick last night! :) I was lying in bed praying (for Bug, of course), and felt one of those little "I think something just moved inside me but I'm not positive" feelings.  I asked out loud, "Is that you, Bug?", and smiled.  I then immediately felt a firm "pop" against the inside of my stomach, right where I had felt the maybe-movement a moment before.  It felt exactly like something little kicked me from the inside.  It was such an amazing feeling! I ran out of the room to tell my husband, I was so excited! We had just been talking about how I was getting a bit nervous about the movement issue when we were out for (our wedding anniversary) dinner earlier that night.  He was ecstatic.  We said goodnight, and as I was walking away he whispered, "goodnight, Bug".  I teared up.  That was the first time he has ever spoken to the baby, and the first time he used my pet name for him/her.  Overall, it was a great night. I am still on cloud nine about it today.  :). I can't wait until the movement becomes consistent, and when my husband can feel him/her move as well.  

17 1/2 Weeks - The SCH is Smaller

The SCH is finally shrinking again!  It was 2.4 x 2.5 x 0.4 cm as of last Tuesday.  While the numbers don't seem much lower, if you calculate the volume, it is actually 75% smaller than it was two weeks earlier! :) I am scared to allow myself to get too excited - after all, the last time it shrunk this much, I had a massive hemorrhage a week later.  I am obviously praying that that does not happen again, and that this actually is a sign that the damned thing is finally going away!

I don't know much about how Bug is doing, except that he is still there, with a very strong heartbeat (160).  The ultrasound tech refused to even measure his crown-rump-length because my OB didn't specifically write it down on her requisition.  I tried to explain that tracking the baby's growth is an important part of tracking the hematoma (which WAS on the requisition), since knowing whether the baby's growth is being affected provides a strong indication of whether the hematoma is causing problems with the placenta (which it is right beside).  She wouldn't budge.  So now, while I am trying to tell myself that there is no reason to think that Bug is doing anything other than growing like a weed as he has been, I can't help but wonder and worry.  Because you know, I needed something else to worry about with this pregnancy!  :S

Overall though, I am very happy, and increasingly optimistic.  I haven't had any real bleeding in weeks, and am barely spotting at this point.  My cramps did ease up for a while, but have gotten a bit more persistent these past few days.  They did this right before the hematoma became tiny last time though, so maybe it is caused by the hematoma breaking up and resolving?  A girl can always hope.  :)

I am definitely showing now, it is kind of crazy actually.  We have had no choice but to start coming out, which has been both exciting and terrifying.  Our families are ecstatic. :). We have been pretty tight-lipped about the complications, and have only told people about the issue on an ad-needed basis (for example, when I need to explain my absence at a wedding).

I have to say though that I am actually increasingly scared too, despite the fact that the hematoma seems to (hopefully, maybe) be resolving.  I am falling more in love with this little baby every single day! I talk to him/her on a daily basis.  I think I can feel movement sometimes, though it's hard to tell for sure.  Sometimes it's a fluttery feeling, sometimes I feel like something little rolled over inside me (very strange feeling!), and just yesterday I felt a "pop" against the inside of my belly.  Could be in my head - who knows.  But regardless, it is making me feel that much more bonded with this little creature.  I know that at this point, he can hear my voice, and will recognize it when he is born.  How amazing is that?  He is sucking his thumb.  I have seen him on ultrasound screens 9 or 10 times now, and hear his heartbeat every few days.  How can I possibly NOT be absolutely in love with this child, this little human who is growing inside me?  I have had losses before, but this one will be different.  I can't even fathom how I will make it through losing him.  It terrifies me so much that I can't let myself think about it.

I will try to focus on the good news, and not worry about what might happen tomorrow.  Today I am pregnant, and I love my Bug.  That is all I need to know.