Sunday, 16 March 2014

A Letter to Samuel (12 Months)

Hello, my sweet little Bug.

I am writing this letter to you on the eve of your first birthday.  I can’t believe that you are a year old already.  Where did that time go?  You are about to become a toddler.  An infant no more.  You will always, ALWAYS be my baby though Darling.  No matter how old you get, how independent you become.  My love will always be there with you. And you will always be my sweet, sweet Bug.

It has been a long time since I have written a letter to you. I apologize for that. You have just kept me so busy my Darling! You are always on the move. You are so inquisitive, so energetic, and so very determined. If you can see it, you are convinced that you can get to it, and that it should go into your mouth (where else?).  

You have been crawling in one form or another since you were just over eight months old. You started with a movement that resembled a cross between an inchworm and an army crawl. It was very cute. :)  You eventually figured out that you could move faster if you pushed up on all fours, at which point there was no looking back. You are very quick my dear.  And you love to be chased! You will crawl away, stop, sit up and turn to look at me. I will smile at you or say your name, and you will then break into a little fit of giggles, and turn and crawl as fast as you can. You keep looking back at me. Once you see that I am indeed following you, you squeal with delight, and keep going. This ends with me catching up with you, and tickling you. It is one of your favourite games.

Some of your other favourite things include: playing with light switches (you are very good at turning them off, and get excited every time we walk past one), hanging out in your baby carrier (this is one of your very favourite places to be), playing with your red ball (you love to throw it and watch it bounce), chasing the cats (they are still faster than you - for now), playing peekaboo with your security blanket, playing with the kitchen doors (open, shut! open, shut! open…you get the idea), bath time, and eating. You love to eat my dear! Current favourites are salmon, cheese (especially havarti), peaches, strawberries, whole grain toast or crackers, and blueberry pancakes.  If you see any of these things on your plate, you will refuse to eat anything else.

We have a leisurely breakfast together at least once every weekend. I make pancakes, french toast, or eggs, etc for you. Daddy doesn't eat breakfast, so it is a special time that we share, just the two of us.  We then spend the better part of at least one day every weekend in our pajamas.  We just play, eat and nap all day.  It is lovely.

You aren’t quite walking yet, but I think you are close. You have been pulling up and “cruising” for 4 months.  You will often let go for a few minutes, smile, then plop down on your bum.  You sometimes start to “walk” away, taking as many as four or five steps before falling.  You just need to work on your balance.  :)

You are so full of personality. You are quick to smile, but equally quick to let me know that you are not happy.  You hate to have your diaper or clothes changed. You react as if it is the end of the world! I just keep being gentle with you, and talking to you soothingly - eventually, I hope, you will realize that I am not trying to hurt you, and that if you cooperate, it will be over before you know it. 

Everyone who meets you says that you are the most beautiful baby they have ever seen. I realize that I am biased, but I have to agree.  You are so adorable, with your big blue eyes and blonde hair. Your smile melts my heart.  It is your personality and “spark” that really draw people in though. You flirt with every girl you meet, and reach out for and smile at elderly people, especially if they are alone (which is the sweetest thing ever).  You try to act shy, burying your face into my neck, peeking out and smiling at strangers. We all see right through you, though my dear. You love people, and attention. And they all seem to love you too.

You are spending your days in daycare now. I miss you so very, very much.  It makes my heart hurt to be away from you so much.  You are my very favourite person, my favourite part of this world. I would love nothing more than to spend all of my time with you.  Sadly though, that is not an option right now.  So, I try to look on the bright side and focus on the positive aspects of this arrangement.  You seem to genuinely enjoy daycare, and like the women who care for you there. You are constantly stimulated with new experiences, new people, and interactions.  I do love my job and believe that I am setting a positive example for you by remaining independent and engaged.  Not an hour goes by that I don’t think about you though, my sweet Darling.  I very much doubt that that will ever change.

You have regressed a bit with your sleep since starting daycare, in that you are again refusing to nap anywhere but in my arms when I am home. I can’t even pretend to mind.  I treasure those moments, and know that the day will come when you no longer want me to hold you at all, let alone for hours at a time while you doze peacefully in my arms.  I am taking the snuggles while I can get them.  

A year already. I feel as if time is slipping away from me too quickly. Before I know it, you won’t need me anymore. My voice will not make you smile so quickly, my arms will not provide all the comfort and security that you need.  

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want time to stop. I want more than anything in the world for you to grow up, and to live a long, happy and healthy life. I want you to die a very old man, content with the knowledge that you lived the best life that you could, and that you were, and always will be, loved.  I want you to spread your wings someday, to exert your independence, and to create a life over which you can claim authorship.  I can only hope that you will think of me now and then, and that you will know that I loved you more fiercely, and more completely than any person has ever loved another, in the history of time.  And that that love will follow you everywhere, always, long after I am gone.

No, I do not want time to stop.  I just wish that it would slow down.

I love you, my sweet Darling.  More than anything in the whole wide world.  And I always will, no matter what.


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